19 things I wish I had of known that could have saved my marriage

23/04/2017 by Leave a Comment

I remember standing at the alter listening carefully to the minister say the following words because I believed them to be true, not quiet realizing the amount of effort it would take from both sides to make them work and go the distance.

Those classic words

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.

And then your bride would repeat

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my husband to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law, and this is my solemn vow.

Well that was the plan….

Since then, divorce and separation touched my life, costing me relationships, work opportunities, money, loss & grief of not fathering my children day to day and mental health in some degree.

I am a strong believer in having pre-marriage counseling. We did attend a session with the church minister but it was very soft in the topics covered. None of the home truths were discussed or any of the tough questions that could prove to be a relationship killer. It was all simply a “tick the box” by the church minister and a process we needed to follow before he would marry us.

Its critical that couples go into serious relationships or relationships that will produce children with knowledge and their eyes WIDE OPEN!

The things I wish we had of known but know now:

  • You will both need to work at fulfilling your vows to make your marriage last.
  • The strength of your love needs to be there from the start and not based simply on surface looks. It must come from a deeper place
  • There will be times that your relationship will feel lost but love each other enough to be patient and ride the storm because the good times do come back.
  • The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, work at watering your own grass and it will stay green
  • Can you imagine growing old with this person, will they be there for you?
  • You will need to bite your tongue. When you argue, spend some time alone if necessary to cool down so you don’t use hurtful language
  • Allow each other times to be in-charge, in all aspects of the relationship
  • If you feel your partner doesn’t want to talk about an important issue, be patient, they’ll come around
  • Marriage can get boring, look for the little things every day that you are grateful for
  • No one is perfect, expect stupidity, absent mindfulness and never perfection
  • You partner is different from the other relationships you have, nurture it and make it extra special
  • It will take both of you to be feel easy and relaxed with no restrictions or judgments
  • If you feel your partner is controlling & aggressive i.e. physically or emotionally – it wont work
  • Allow each other to have their down times and quiet times. We all need to rest and recharge
  • Look to always serve your partner, every little thing you do for each other makes for a happier marriage and builds resilience
  • Continue to look after each other when you have children. The kids will be gone one day and you will be back to the two of you again, nurture it
  • It is important that you are both working at it, it can not work if you are the only one
  • There will be times you need to care for each other and step up when things get tough…and they will
  • Its normal to question the strength of your relationship when things are tough, you both need to be patient and acknowledge it will get better

It’s never to late to modify behavior. What are some of the things you’ve found helpful in maintaining a healthy long-term relationship?

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Separation

Encouraging mens mental health conversations

04/04/2017 by 1 Comment

It can be hard for men to open up and talk about how they are feeling. And this can have serious impacts on their mental health and wellbeing.

In fact research by the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that men are three times more likely to die by suicide and twice as likely to have a substance abuse disorder.

So how can men reduce this gap and improve their mental health?

Hugh Martin, founder of counselling service Man Enough, says the first step is to encourage conversations within organisations – such as sporting clubs, groups and workplaces – making space available for men to talk about how they’re going.

‘You want men to start to look out for one another. If I was in a bad way I would love it if someone could reach out tap me on the shoulder and say “Hey do you want to go and have a chat?” ’, says Hugh.

‘It comes back to that 360-degree model of leadership, we’re all leaders, we’re all managers of our own responsibility and of ensuring that as an organisation we value welfare and making sure we live it.’

Counsellor and Team Leader at Mensline, Glen Benton, says that men need to change the way they talk about their own mental health.

‘Often the way men cover things up is with subtle language,’ Glen says.

‘When men speak about themselves, they tend to speak in the third-person. Rather than saying “I feel afraid… I feel over worked”, men will say “Well you know… you go to work everyday…and you just want to be left alone…“.’

Glen says this is typically how men speak about what they are feeling – depersonalising the language to depersonalise the emotions. He believes that if men allow themselves to be vulnerable it will change everything.

If you feel overwhelmed and need to talk please call:

How do we know if someone is experiencing mental health problems? read it here

Article by SANE AUSTRALIA

 

Filed Under: Dads Health

The secret for an argument free zone

13/03/2017 by 1 Comment

I always wondered when the debating of simple tasks and requests would start or unnecessary attitude, i can tell you its around 10-12 then buckle up at 13+.
Prior to that, they are beautiful pliable sweethearts that allow you to guide them, take them and pick them up from anywhere and they follow instruction without question (their still beautiful).

Now is chalk and cheese, its another stage that will pass and we will eventually move on… but boy, it can be frustrating, stressful, challenging and hair pulling crazy (if I had any) during those years. I have experienced lying straight to my face over the simplest things, not taking responsibility for actions like loosing keys, public transport cards and keeping their room tidy. We know that teenagers go through a growing up phase and test their weight and Independence with parents.

They do this knowing that the worst thing that will happen is they get a verbal telling off or loose there phone privileges for a day, all pretty soft punishment and i imagine in their mind not enough to curve the behavior?

I think when kids start questioning parents they are trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong because they are starting to become a little more knowledgeable in the world. Although very annoying and frustrating for us parents, its important to remember to keep our composure (don’t fight rudeness with rudeness or yelling with yelling), remind them of the boundaries and politeness they need to show other people and don’t bite back.

I would always keep on carrying out consequences such as reduced time for TV, Loose mobile phone/iPad usage, Early to bed and let them know this will happen if it continues so there are no surprises when it does.

A tip for a argument free zone, is, I do not expect 100% good behavior during these years (it’s about your expectation). I accept 80%, so during these years they can have their own room 20% messier than normal (nowhere else) 20% more attitude without being disrespectful, 20% more moody and they can have that in the quiet of their own bedroom. It takes the pressure off everyone because I feel if we are looking for perfection you will not find it anywhere and it will cause ongoing arguing, so just give them a little slack.

I was told once that everything we do for our children should be a gift. We should not expect anything in return! i.e. we should not expect good behavior because we cook, wash and clean for them. If you expect this then don’t do it. Do these things for them out of love.

Its always a great idea to explain what is acceptable and its a discussion you will not only have once...When your beautiful child says ? Get off my back! or Shut up!? they have often heard it said on their favorite TV shows or possibly from the friends they’re hanging around with.  So be clear about what is and isn’t okay. Tell them, it’s fine to say that she’s angry or tired, for instance, or that she doesn’t feel like talking at the moment. But name-calling, yelling, or telling you to go away is unacceptable.

So there is no need to throw the towel in, its important that your kids know that you will always be in the game regardless of their behavior. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will arrive sometime around 18+. Our kids feel the freedom they have been craving. They are getting into full or part-time work, going to Uni, getting their license and feel what its like to have more independence. So turning human again at 18 plus is not to far away for some but for others it feels like a million years 🙂

Its important you don’t let the outburst episodes eat into you, remember its a phases and a time that will pass so don’t buy into the terrible behavior. Roll with it, respond calmly and be kind to yourself even if others aren’t being kind to you. Self-care is critical during these year, treat yourself, find peaceful time away from the kids, talk to a counsellor. Do what ever it take to stay in the game without dissolving your relationship with your child because its not personal, its very normal and happening across millions of homes.

Its a stage like all others stages of growing up and they are completely aware of it too (It’s not easy for them either). Love them unconditionally and be as tolerant as possible, the stage will pass.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Don’t look, it can ruin everything

09/03/2017 by 3 Comments

If you like eating sausages, there is a saying that goes…Don’t look how the sausage is made, it will ruin everything.

We grow up learning about childbirth and never really connect the dots that when it happens to our partner, it’s a very full on confronting experience and not for the lighthearted.

Childbirth for Men can have the same effect as its a little hard to look at the vagina the same way anymore! Something that we once worshiped has been torn apart and beaten up, lets face it and be honest, it is not a pretty sight and very unsexy. It can take a while to get those images out of our mind, if ever at all? There are some women who would worry about what their man thought of them sexually after seeing childbirth.

We have complete admiration for the resilience and strength that women have which allows them to go through childbirth, but if all we can do is hold there hand and not add much more value than that, then I vote we wait in the waiting room and let their mum’s, sisters, aunties, cousins do the hand holding.

Some experts have said that childbirth is actually more difficult for the women when the man is present? The birth tends to take longer and is more painful if we are in the room.

Can it effect our sex life? Let’s face it, there are so many things that we do in order to make sex enjoyable. Many men and women are slightly shy and ease into sex through foreplay both physically and mentally. Seeing childbirth should be one of those things that we keep private to preserve the intimacy, imagery and fantasy of sex.

My Dad told me that in his day, men were not allowed to be in the birthing room. When the baby was born, the mother and baby rested for a bit and the dad entered the room a little later. I don’t see anything wrong with that..at all!

Some women will say that you are missing out on the greatest event of humankind, yes ok but OMG!  If you both agree that it could be better to wait outside, then there is nothing wrong with that strategy at all. If you are needed and wanted in the birthing room, stay up the right end…I warn you!

I would think that many men & women would agree with this, do you?

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships

xox when they need rescuing

05/03/2017 by Leave a Comment

I recently read an article about having an TEXT word if your children are ever in a spot they feel that they can’t get out off and need “rescuing”.

The article was very good but the plan they were using was called the X Plan. The idea was to send an “X” if they needed an out to a situation they found themselves him.

The issue with an X is that if I got this during the night I would just think my daughter was sending me a kiss. I wouldn’t jump out of bed, and head to rescue her, I would probably just send back a “x”.

The idea behind this methodology is to keep your children safe if they feel they are out of their depth or find themselves in a spot they can’t get out of.

I spoke to my daughter about these situations you could find yourself in, such as:

  • Being with a group of boys that you feel are not respecting you or your girlfriends
  • Being offered drugs and the people you are with are not accepting no
  • People you are with are drinking more than you feel comfortable with
  • The boy you are with wants to have sex and he is not accepting no
  • You’re in a aggressive situation and feel you cant leave on your own
  • Have found yourself with strangers and you feel uncomfortable with them for any reason
  • You feel trapped and find it difficult to get way from any harmful situation

I also discussed to be assertive and confident with your decisions but if that is not working then you need to send me a sms with XOX (a little like SOS). This is a safe-plan and using some letters that she would not normally use. I get all the x’s but never a xox, so we decided that was a good sms. You work out the best sms code that work for you too 🙂

If and when I received an sms, I would call the her phone immediately and say…

Hi, Something has happened with a family member and I need to come and get you. I will tell you more about it when you are in the car. Where are you, I am on my way.

If the location is not the location I was expecting her to be, I am happy for her to tell me as little or as much as she wants to. I am just happy that she is away from a situation she believed was harmful.

Filed Under: Children, Daughters, Fathering, General posts & comments, Parenting, Sons

Once bitten twice shy

19/02/2017 by Leave a Comment

The dictionary explains it this way “If someone is said to be once bitten, twice shy, it means that once someone was hurt by something or someone, they will be afraid to try it again”

Often referred to in love terms, hurt holds us back from exploring, letting someone in, going past a first date or even dating at all.

When we get hurt and that can be emotionally, financially or physically it cuts so deep that there is no wonder we approach new relationships with caution!

It’s normal to take things slow after a traumatic experience or even to have some good time finding yourself again. Finding the things you like to do, the happiness after a breakup needs to be come back otherwise you are not the real you. Who wants to hear about your sad stories on the first few dates? Make sure you have discovered enjoyable things to do, concentrated on your health and feel emotionally strong.

So time is critical but make sure you don’t hang out there forever, because finding the right one for you can be life changing in the best way. If it is going on for years, seek some professional support. When you have some time under your belt and you’re feeling like dating again, choose well and take it slow.

Don’t think to far ahead, take each day at a time. If you ask someone out on a date, just think about that 1 date or that 1 coffee or 1 meal. Focus only on that one day then if you want to see them again, just focus again on just that next one meeting.

Trust people for the day, its was probably a trust issue that caused your pain in the first place. Remind yourself that that one person who betrayed you or who treated you badly was by their actions. They cheated. They lied. They alienated the kids from you. You don’t know what these other women have done or capable of doing…yet. They might be an amazing beautiful person, so give them one (1) chance.

Wait until you see signs that they’re less than sincere. Then you could question them. But until then? Just trust them today. That way if they do disappoint you, you didn’t invest to much time into them.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships

Poll: What do you want to know?

11/02/2017 by 2 Comments

Dads Online is about to turn 5. Since the beginning we have written about many topics. I remember the early days we were all about: connecting with your children after absence, When you just cant be there, Parenting plans, Dads have feelings too, ways to make your child feel secure, What to say to the kids, The first night alone, When you have to visit the ex, Travel games, Being happy alone, Making chocolate crackles plus 100’s more.

There is so much more to talk about but I want to make sure that I am answering questions and concerns that are important to you.

Below is a survey I would love for you to be apart of.  Select the area’s of’ importance to you and we will provide tips and information that will benefit us all. If you have a topic that is not mentioned please contact us or enter it into “other” on the poll and let us know.

Filed Under: Activities, Fathering, Lifestyle, Meals, Separation, Some Fun

The importance of encouraging good oral hygiene at both homes

23/01/2017 by Leave a Comment

When kids have two homes their regular routines can often go out the window; one parent may well be more likely to allow more TV time than the other, for example, or prefer eating out to cooking at home. However one routine that it’s important doesn’t get lost during the change-over process is teeth cleaning and good oral hygiene, particularly amongst younger children. The noticeable long term habits of having a good teeth cleaning routine mean it’s worth the effort of establishing good habits now, even if your children are reluctant. Here are some hints and tips for encouraging good oral hygiene, and helping your kids form healthy dental habits that will last a lifetime:

Provide Help and Support

Many parents believe that simply providing access to a toothbrush and toothpaste is enough to encourage good oral hygiene habits, but in reality you need to be much more involved than that. Dental experts recommend that you should physically brush and floss your child’s teeth for them until they are at least six years old (and have the coordination skills to competently and consistently tie their own shoe laces). You should clean their teeth for them for at least two minutes every morning before breakfast and every evening before bedtime, using a fluoride based toothpaste and an age appropriate tooth brush. Once you have cleaned their teeth for them, encourage your child to then brush their teeth independently for another minute: this will build their confidence and encourage them to develop the skills they will need when they are old enough to brush their teeth independently. Once your child is over the age of six you should still supervise their teeth cleaning, to ensure they are brushing regularly and with good technique

Have Everything You Need in Your Home

When kids are switching from one home to the other it’s easy for things to be left behind, however if they forget their toothbrush this could give them the excuse their looking for to have an extended break from teeth cleaning. Given the equipment needed for good dental practice is so inexpensive, why not have everything they need permanently in your home? Buy them a tooth brush, tooth paste, and dental floss that they have constant access to. Why not take them shopping and let them choose their own? Toothbrushes are now available in a wide range of colours, designs, and even featuring their favourite cartoon characters, which could help to make teeth cleaning time a little more fun.

Model Good Habits

Children learn their behaviours by watching their parents and modelling on them, so it’s important to practice what you preach. Clean your teeth thoroughly morning and night, and take care of your smile. Why not clean your teeth at the same time as your child’s, so that you can form the healthy habit together?  Whilst regular dentist visits can be expensive, particularly if you don’t have dental coverage, it’s important that you visit the dentist regularly and that you take your child to the dentist regularly too. Dentist trips are no fun for anyone, and your child is likely to be reluctant and apprehensive, but it is the best way of ensuring your child better understands the importance of taking care of their teeth, and of dealing with any dental problems as soon as they arise.

 Talk About What Will Happen If They Don’t Brush

It can be difficult to deal with a reluctant tooth brusher, and most parents don’t relish the thought of having to hold down their distressed child so they can brush their teeth, so finding other strategies to encourage good oral hygiene is preferable. Talk to your child about cavities and tooth decay, explaining how germs will affect their smile and that once teeth have been damaged by decay they cannot be repaired: if your child is a visual learner then showing them some images of damaged smiles and decayed teeth online might well help to drive your message home. Good oral hygiene is a lifelong habit that needs to be formed as soon as possible, so it’s important to use whatever tools you have in your armoury to get your child brushing every day.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting

Getting rid of credit cards once and for all

15/01/2017 by 1 Comment

Over Christmas I read a book by The barefoot investor. It made a lot of sense, more sense than I have heard before about getting on top of finances.
If you’re having trouble getting control over your money, don’t worry, there is a way of getting rid of your debt & loans and enjoying financial freedom again.

Go buy the book, its online but a quick simple step that hooked me was to firstly cut those credit cards up. Secondly, I have been juggling my monthly salary and paying as much off my multiple debts as possible. I had a couple of credit cards, a car & motorcycle loan and a mortgage. If you thought trying to paying as much as you can off all of them was the answer…wait a sec, keep reading.

Put your debt/loans into a list from smallest to largest. Go on, all of them. Your credit card debt is the most important. Concentrate on the smallest debt first and from now-on pay the minimum off all of the debts (accept the smallest) Work to knock off the smallest first, then the next and the next. It might take a little while but by focusing on paying one (1) off at a time you will get wins and eventually pay them all down to zero (Freedom).

I wasn’t thinking that way, i thought by adding a little extra to all of them would reduce the debt but really it was going to take forever to pay them off. Focus on paying extra to the smallest debt and then working through the rest will clear debt quicker in the right order and start to free up your cash.

The important key here is to cut up the cards and only live on what you can pay cash for, a good lesson for our kids.
The barefoot investor has a really good formula for splitting up your salary each month and saving for the future and allowing yourself to splurge too.

Note: this is not a paid advertisement for the barefoot investor, i just really liked the book and the practical ideas he had.

Can I say, if you need your credit card to fill a gap at the end of the month, you need to adjust your lifestyle, and reduce expenses so that your monthly salary covers everything.

Go on, make 2017 the year of clearing debt and enjoy the freedom of having money.

#barefootinvestor #theonlymoneyguideyoulleverneed #scottpape www.thebarefootinvestor.com

Filed Under: Dads Health, Finances

A must watch: Simon Sinek – Millennials in the work place

13/01/2017 by Leave a Comment

We live in a world that is consumed by technology and social media. Relationships suffer, work and our ability to cope with everyday stresses are tough for our children. Children born post 1982 have been brought up in a new and potentially damaging era, a time never seen by their parents. Mr Simon Sinek talks about how we have become this addicted society to social media, why it is so damaging and how we can change it and make life more personal, enjoyable, develop meaningful relationships and be more satisfied at work. Something our children must learn and its starts with us! A very interesting and en-lighting video discussion on what we can do.  It will be the best 18 minutes you spend this year 🙂 Oh, and put your phone AWAY when you watch it – unless of course your watching from your phone LOL

 

Filed Under: Dads Health, Kids Health, Parenting, Relationships, Video

Managing depression whilst studying

03/01/2017 by Leave a Comment

Depression gets a bad rap for a lot of things, which to be fair is pretty reasonable because living with depression is pretty shit. Especially when it comes to exam time, and everyone seems to be bragging about how much study they’ve done, and you can’t even get the energy to make a study plan. This can be ten times worse for repeat exams, as everyone is out enjoying the summer, and you’re at home just staring at your laptop and praying for motivation to fall from somewhere.

Depression plays havoc with your concentration levels, affecting your focus, memory and the ability to sit still and pay attention to something for more than 5 minutes. Or at least, that’s how I find it. Sometimes I get bursts of motivation and I can bring myself to study for a decent half hour, but even then it isn’t easy. Making revision plans doesn’t work, trying to avoid distractions is just a ridiculous suggestion and time is pretty hard to manage because depression is hard to manage, and it doesn’t always abide by time schedules or deadlines.

I used to be really good at studying, I love learning and since I’ve become affected by depression, the thing I’ve struggled with most is not being able to study. I feel lazy, and ungrateful, and despite how hard I worked to get into college in the first place, I feel like by not being able to study, I’m wasting my college place, and all the money that has been spent on it. Depression affects your ability to enjoy the things you used to love doing, so it’s blatantly obvious that it’ll do even more to the things that you know you have to do, but you might not enjoy. Due to this, I don’t enjoy a lot of stuff that I used to do, so when I find things I like, I tend to do them instead of studying. Procrastination is a massive part of my life, and I have wasted so many hours watching Geordie Shore and H2O: Just Add Water, instead of sitting down and going over notes.

I’m repeating exams that I failed because I was in a rough enough place when I took them, and I just didn’t have the spare energy to study, and now I’m back in the same situation. I think there’s a massive amount of pressure on people to go to university and graduate with a decent degree, and when people fail exams, the typical response is “Get your head down, and cop on”. It’s hard for people to understand living with depression if they have never had to, and so some people don’t get how difficult it can be for people with mental illnesses to actually “get their head down”. Studying is hard for most people, and exams are a rough time for everyone, so with added pressure, it’s ten times worse.

Sometimes I wish I could just be accepted into next year without having to study, because I love my degree, and I wouldn’t be able to afford repeating the year. I know I’m not the only one struggling, and I would love it if we were all a bit more honest on social media. It’s natural for us all to compare what we see on Facebook, where people show off their best sides, but every once in a while it would be nice to see some honesty, especially when it comes to things that most of us will deal with. I’m very open about my struggles with anxiety, but sometimes I’m almost embarrassed to talk about my depression, which is ridiculous.

It’s healthy to talk, and many people in Australia suffer from depression, so you won’t be the only one talking.

We have some of the highest suicide rates in the world. The conversation has been repeated so many times, and we made some incredible strides fighting against the mental health cuts in the budget this year, but we need to do more. As difficult as it is, I think we need to talk more about our feelings. It’s even harder for guys to talk about their feelings because of the ridiculous stereotypes surrounding masculinity and emotions. Suicide rates in young men between ages 18 and 24 is 3 times higher than females. Having depression, or other mental health problems are not something to be ashamed of. If you don’t have any mental health problems, that doesn’t make you any less entitled to speak up if you’re having a bad day. It can sometimes be totally isolating, and you deserve to have someone to talk to.

There are many supports for mental health problems in universities, so if you’re struggling with your repeat exams, or any exams at all, don’t be afraid to message your welfare officer and see what help you can avail of. Don’t suffer in silence during exams, and even if you can’t study, you can try to make things a little bit easier on yourself. You deserve it!

Thank you to Rebekah Humphries for her article 🙂

Filed Under: Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Sons

Some Dads are not waking up to their children this Christmas

19/12/2016 by 1 Comment

Sadly, I know too many people to whom this applies (including myself once). I have cried with memories of what this time used to be for me and how it was filled with such love and happiness – for some dads times like these bring back memories of the reality of emptiness and sadness.

So I would like to remind you that there are people for whatever reason are not looking forward to Christmas.
Some people are not surrounded by wonderful families or wake up to their children on Christmas morning (we used to but life has changed).
Some have problems during the holidays and are overcome with great sadness when we think about our sons or daughters who are not with us.

This also applies to the elderly who find them-self without their children, family or friends. And, many of these people are besieged by loneliness. They all need caring and our loving thoughts right now.

To all those who have family problems, are elderly and alone, having health struggles, job issues or worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares – we do and our hearts and thoughts are with you.

Take care & best wishes xx

If you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of sadness or loneliness, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 you don’t need to be alone.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Disabilities