There’s something I’ve noticed after talking to dads about separation.
It’s pretty easy to talk about being a good dad when life is going well.
You’re getting the kids on the weekend. You’re taking them to sport. You’re having dinner together. You’re helping with homework. You’re laughing about something that happened during the day.
That’s the easy part.
The real test can come when the relationship between the adults has broken down.
You might be angry. You might feel you’ve been treated unfairly. You might not be seeing your children as often as you’d like. And sometimes you can feel as though everything you say is being interpreted the wrong way.
That’s when staying child-focused becomes difficult.
I remember speaking with a dad who was incredibly frustrated about the way communication with his former partner had deteriorated. He had written a long message explaining exactly how he felt.
He was angry, and, to be honest, I could understand why, but before he sent it, he stopped, he put his phone down and walked away.
That small decision probably didn’t feel particularly significant at the time, but I think it was one of the better decisions he could have made.
Because when you’re angry, you want to be heard.
- You want the other person to understand what they’ve done to you.
- You want to correct the record.
- You want to defend yourself.
- And that’s completely human.
But your children don’t need to be part of that battle.
Being child-focused doesn’t mean agreeing with everything
I think this is sometimes misunderstood.
Being child-focused doesn’t mean a dad has to accept every decision made by the other parent.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up when something isn’t right, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should give up on spending time with your children because you’re trying to avoid conflict.
It simply means that, wherever possible, you try to separate the adult disagreement from the children’s relationship with both parents.
That’s not always easy, in fact, sometimes it’s incredibly difficult.
You might receive a message that makes your blood boil, and you might feel accused of something you haven’t done.
You might believe an arrangement is completely unfair, we know the temptation is to fire straight back.
But sometimes the best response is no response—at least not yet.
Give yourself some time, read the message again later.
Talk to somebody you trust, and if the issue is serious or you’re unsure about what you should do, get some proper advice before making the situation worse.
Your children are watching more than you realise
Children don’t necessarily understand the details of separation, but they understand emotion.
- They know when Dad is angry.
- They know when Mum is upset.
- They know when something isn’t right.
And they can sometimes find themselves wondering whether they’re responsible for what’s happening.
That’s why protecting them from adult conflict matters, they shouldn’t have to choose sides.
They shouldn’t be asked to carry messages between parents, and they shouldn’t feel that loving one parent somehow means they’re letting the other parent down.
A child should be allowed to love both Mum and Dad without feeling guilty about it.
That can be difficult to achieve when communication between the adults is strained, but it’s worth working towards.
What happens when the legal system becomes involved?
This is where I think dads sometimes get caught out.
When emotions are high, it’s easy to think that the best thing you can do is fight harder. But family law isn’t simply about who is the most convincing person or who can produce the angriest version of events.
The focus is on the children and their best interests. That’s something I’ve discussed with Dan Dalli from Aston Legal Group.
Dan regularly speaks with parents who are trying to work through difficult circumstances, and one of the things that comes through in these conversations is the importance of thinking beyond the immediate argument. If you want to reach out to Dan, you can contact him here.
What you say matters, because how you communicate matters and how you conduct yourself as a parent matters.
That doesn’t mean you should be frightened to communicate or worried that every mistake will somehow end up in court.
Nobody is perfect.
Separation is an incredibly stressful experience and people will have moments where they don’t handle things perfectly.
But there’s a difference between making a mistake and allowing anger to become the way you conduct yourself throughout the separation.
Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of the decision
I’ve always thought there’s something particularly difficult about the hours after you’ve received an upsetting message.
You’re sitting there thinking about it – You replay the words – You think about what you should say – You write something.
- Delete it.
- Write it again.
And before you know it, you’ve spent half an hour arguing with someone in your head.
That’s when I think you need to step away.
- Go for a walk.
- Get outside.
- Have a coffee.
- Talk to a mate.
Do whatever helps you get your head back into a better place, because the issue will still be there when you come back.
But you might deal with it very differently 🙂
And that’s important because staying child-focused isn’t about pretending everything is okay.
It’s about making sure your response doesn’t make things harder for the people who matter most.
A final thought
There will be days during separation when staying calm feels almost impossible.
When that happens, remember why you’re trying to do it.
Not for your former partner.
Not for the lawyers.
Not for the Court.
For your kids.
They didn’t choose this situation, but they get to choose, one day, what they remember about how their dad handled it.
Keep showing up and Keep being there.
The best time to introduce your children to your new partner can vary depending on several factors, including the age and temperament of the children, the nature and stability of the relationship, and the emotional readiness of everyone involved.
A survey was conducted at a primary school where children between the ages of 4-8 were asked “what is love”. The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
You could not imagine how much importance your child puts on your promises i.e. when you said you would buy them that special gift, when you promised you would be there for them, there are times they know its boring for you but in the end it makes them feel secure and loved that you are there.
Introducing your child to your new partner
The advice in this article will be very difficult for some of you to agree with. That being said, let me also say that generalizing about people whose lives may be very complicated is difficult to do, so these are just general guidelines not informed by your particular story.
My rule of thumb is that divorced and separated parents should keep children out of their social lives until they have been separated or divorced for a period of at least two years and you have known your potential new partner for at least a year. Let me explain the easy things first.
New Partners
You might think your new partner is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but at one time you thought the same thing about the person whose name is on the bottom of the restraining order you just got. It’s hard to resist the power of someone who not only makes you feel good about yourself but reinforces your negative feelings about your ex.
With all of that conflict to concentrate on (especially if both of you are going through divorces), who has time to create trouble in the new relationship? What happens as a result is an extended “honeymoon period” in the new relationship. Having your kids along with your new partner helps legitimize the relationship, especially if your kids like your new partner’s kids and everyone gets along—but it might very well place unnecessary pressure on the kids.
Reasons to Take It Slow
One reason to take it very slow in having your children cozy up to your new partner is that often, the “second time around” relationship is just as bad as or worse than the first relationship you had, and you want to get away from that person too. That may be fine for you, but what if your kids like that person and the people who tag along with him or her? What happens then is that your children go through another round of sad separations, and ultimately they become mistrustful and suspicious of the next round of people you bring them into contact with. For kids, these separations can be as painful as the divorce from their mother or father.
Then there are the situations where you bring your children into contact with your new partner and they hate that person. What you have created in that circumstance is a pipeline of complaints that go from your children to the other parent, and that creates yet another set of problems.
Children of divorced parents often feel split loyalties between a new partner or parent figure and a biological parent. This is made worse when one of the biological parents is insecure or angry. It is very easy for children to pick up on, and as a result they try to please and soothe that parent by being critical of Mom or Dad’s new boyfriend or girlfriend.
With all of the problems that are associated with bringing children into contact with new boyfriends and girlfriends, it is a wonder why people do it with such frequency. There are two main reasons: One is that when parents separate they yearn for the return of a “normal” life with a companion. In their desire to create that normal life, they make decisions too quickly or without thinking through all of the possibilities and often end up replacing one dysfunctional relationship with another. As adults we are entitled to do this until we get it right, but we should try to avoid exposing children to our dating disasters. Related to this is the second main reason—when a parent adopts the philosophy that “My kids and I come as a package deal. If you think you want to be with me, my kids have to approve.” This is a perfectly reasonable philosophy, but it must be employed later rather than sooner. You should figure out whether the person is worth having your children evaluate them first.
Why the Two-Year Rule Works
I advocate the two-year rule because by the one-year mark most couples have seen each other at their best and at their worst. If you have seen your partner at your worst and he or she does not try to damage your self-esteem when you fight, and you have successfully solved many of the relationship problems you could not solve with your ex, then your relationship has a better than 50-50 chance of succeeding in the long term. I have seen quite a few complicated and difficult circumstances arise because people are in too much of a hurry to introduce their children to their new partners.
Another advantage is that after some time has passed, even young children will expect their mothers and fathers to want companionship, and the children will not be as focused on wanting to reunite the family. There is no guarantee your child will ever stop wanting this, but in most cases children will want it less after a few years or at least accept the reality that it’s not going to happen.
Once you have passed the two-year mark of being out of your old relationship, and once you know your new partner for a year, you can start talking to your children about meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend. If your children are old enough to understand what a boyfriend or girlfriend is, don’t beat around the bush. This is actually one of the advantages you have gained by waiting such a long time before introducing the person.
The Sleepover Question
Different people have different ideas about whether parents should invite their boyfriends or girlfriends to sleep over at their house. I would say avoid it, especially with young children. Children are growing up very quickly these days, and they will start to ask questions about whether you are having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you are sleeping with them. You could properly tell them this is none of their business, but the situation will nevertheless make them feel uncomfortable, and you will ultimately have to deal with what kind of model this presents to your children, especially when they are fifteen years old and want to bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home to your house to sleep over.
Finally, it might be very tempting to bring your little children into bed with you and your new partner to snuggle or watch television, but I have seen this cause problems between mums and dads who become furious at the thought of their children climbing into bed with someone who is a “stranger” to them and cuddling. Before you permit your child to do this, ask yourself it is worth the legal fees you will have to spend in order to convince someone that you think there is no harm in it.
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