There’s something I’ve noticed after talking to dads about separation.
It’s pretty easy to talk about being a good dad when life is going well.
You’re getting the kids on the weekend. You’re taking them to sport. You’re having dinner together. You’re helping with homework. You’re laughing about something that happened during the day.
That’s the easy part.
The real test can come when the relationship between the adults has broken down.
You might be angry. You might feel you’ve been treated unfairly. You might not be seeing your children as often as you’d like. And sometimes you can feel as though everything you say is being interpreted the wrong way.
That’s when staying child-focused becomes difficult.
I remember speaking with a dad who was incredibly frustrated about the way communication with his former partner had deteriorated. He had written a long message explaining exactly how he felt.
He was angry, and, to be honest, I could understand why, but before he sent it, he stopped, he put his phone down and walked away.
That small decision probably didn’t feel particularly significant at the time, but I think it was one of the better decisions he could have made.
Because when you’re angry, you want to be heard.
- You want the other person to understand what they’ve done to you.
- You want to correct the record.
- You want to defend yourself.
- And that’s completely human.
But your children don’t need to be part of that battle.
Being child-focused doesn’t mean agreeing with everything
I think this is sometimes misunderstood.
Being child-focused doesn’t mean a dad has to accept every decision made by the other parent.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up when something isn’t right, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should give up on spending time with your children because you’re trying to avoid conflict.
It simply means that, wherever possible, you try to separate the adult disagreement from the children’s relationship with both parents.
That’s not always easy, in fact, sometimes it’s incredibly difficult.
You might receive a message that makes your blood boil, and you might feel accused of something you haven’t done.
You might believe an arrangement is completely unfair, we know the temptation is to fire straight back.
But sometimes the best response is no response—at least not yet.
Give yourself some time, read the message again later.
Talk to somebody you trust, and if the issue is serious or you’re unsure about what you should do, get some proper advice before making the situation worse.
Your children are watching more than you realise
Children don’t necessarily understand the details of separation, but they understand emotion.
- They know when Dad is angry.
- They know when Mum is upset.
- They know when something isn’t right.
And they can sometimes find themselves wondering whether they’re responsible for what’s happening.
That’s why protecting them from adult conflict matters, they shouldn’t have to choose sides.
They shouldn’t be asked to carry messages between parents, and they shouldn’t feel that loving one parent somehow means they’re letting the other parent down.
A child should be allowed to love both Mum and Dad without feeling guilty about it.
That can be difficult to achieve when communication between the adults is strained, but it’s worth working towards.
What happens when the legal system becomes involved?
This is where I think dads sometimes get caught out.
When emotions are high, it’s easy to think that the best thing you can do is fight harder. But family law isn’t simply about who is the most convincing person or who can produce the angriest version of events.
The focus is on the children and their best interests. That’s something I’ve discussed with Dan Dalli from Aston Legal Group.
Dan regularly speaks with parents who are trying to work through difficult circumstances, and one of the things that comes through in these conversations is the importance of thinking beyond the immediate argument. If you want to reach out to Dan, you can contact him here.
What you say matters, because how you communicate matters and how you conduct yourself as a parent matters.
That doesn’t mean you should be frightened to communicate or worried that every mistake will somehow end up in court.
Nobody is perfect.
Separation is an incredibly stressful experience and people will have moments where they don’t handle things perfectly.
But there’s a difference between making a mistake and allowing anger to become the way you conduct yourself throughout the separation.
Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of the decision
I’ve always thought there’s something particularly difficult about the hours after you’ve received an upsetting message.
You’re sitting there thinking about it – You replay the words – You think about what you should say – You write something.
- Delete it.
- Write it again.
And before you know it, you’ve spent half an hour arguing with someone in your head.
That’s when I think you need to step away.
- Go for a walk.
- Get outside.
- Have a coffee.
- Talk to a mate.
Do whatever helps you get your head back into a better place, because the issue will still be there when you come back.
But you might deal with it very differently 🙂
And that’s important because staying child-focused isn’t about pretending everything is okay.
It’s about making sure your response doesn’t make things harder for the people who matter most.
A final thought
There will be days during separation when staying calm feels almost impossible.
When that happens, remember why you’re trying to do it.
Not for your former partner.
Not for the lawyers.
Not for the Court.
For your kids.
They didn’t choose this situation, but they get to choose, one day, what they remember about how their dad handled it.
Keep showing up and Keep being there.
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