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When you just cant be there!

If you’re separated or divorced and don’t have a good access arrangement, this might help you stay better connected.

Missing your child and feeling like they’re missing out on you is a heavy weight to carry.  Kids are resilient and I found that if they are loved and cared for at both houses then they grow up stable. That doesn’t help the feeling of loss and grief that a Dads have to bare during the times they are absent.

One area that I have always been interested in and a keen participant is…keeping in-touch in between the times you are together and letting my child know that they are top of mind even if you can not be together for a week or two?

I found a great way to keep in-touch during the absent times and it became a bit of a hobby.

Wherever I happened to be, if there was a card shop or newsagency, I would always walk in and look for a card just to say “hi” There are some really nice and creative cards on the market, there would always be a different card that I thought my child would like. Over the years there would have been shoe boxes full of cards that I had sent and I doubt that I ever doubled up on the one card 🙂

Kids like to get mail from the postman, it makes them feel special

I would send a card once a week, the first card I would post just after my access visit as it would take a day or two to arrive. I would write simple things about the fun we had that weekend and how much I loved doing things together and sign off that I loved her.

The card on the second week would simply talk about how is her week going, how is school? and I am looking forward to the weekend and will pick you up at normal time.

I never mentioned  any comment about missing her as I did not want her to feel sad in any way, I made the card always happy, positive and upbeat.

You can get personalized stickers with your initials to seal the back of the envelope or better still both initials or an emblem that they’ll know instantly the card is from you. Click here for a supplier

Have you guys tried that or what are some of the other things you’re doing?

This post was first published in 2012 and updated in 2017.


  1. Brad says:

    I like that idea, i am going to get familiar with my local newsagency. Something I do on a fortnightly basis is keep intouched by sending a single CD of the latest songs on the market. my son is 9 and he gets a kick out of receiving mail and also loves the songs i send him and is building up quite a collection, he brings along his favourites for the weekend and we play them in the car and at home. We have a nice time also talking about music and who’s hot and who’s not?

    Some artists that he likes at the moment and I always look for them are:
    Black eyed peas
    Lady GaGa
    Taio Cruz
    Jason Derulo

    Hope that helps.

  2. Con P says:

    AWESOME IDEA!!! i am starting this right now.

    Another thing i do is email my son. It stimulates his reading and also gives him the oportunity to reply to me.

  3. Sky says:

    my friend is in such a situation, I will recommend this blog to him, thanks for this practical advice how to stay in touch with your child after divorce!

  4. Hannah says:

    I will definitely give a link to your post to my girlfriend, because she now has a difficult situation in her life.

  5. michael hough says:

    I had sent numerous letters to my children and tried to keep up phone contact, the mother changed the phone no. so I had no contact with my daughters and the letters who knows if they got them. ?
    I have just had a bit of contact with 1 of my 3 girls after a few years as they are now older. I have been told by 1 child that they were told by the mother that i tried to kill them when they were younger so this is heartbreaking to hear. Since finding a fantastic partner and re.marrying my daughter has been too scared to tell her mother she sees me and my new wife. From what I have been told the mother tells the kids that I am dangerous and not to see me, “‘devastating” to hear and i’m told they are too scared to say anything to her. numerous court visits for false avo’s which had been withdrawn by her yet i’m still labelled a monster.. don’t we all have the right to see our own children ? feeling so hurt and helpless

    • peter says:

      Michael, Thanks for sharing your story.
      How terrible that your ex wife could do such a thing? I know who the monster is! You know its not true, your older daughter knows its not true and eventually your other children will know in due time. Make patience your best friend. It feels like your time will come when they are older and can make decisions for them-self. Keep sending the letters and make a copy of each one and date it. Your kids can spends weeks reading and cherishing them when things turn for the better. Write your letters in a way that you are simply talking about things you have done, a new recipe you have cooked for dinner that was yummy, what have they been up to. Have some affirmations in their so they know you think they are important etc. You are their dad and always will be, keep your chin up and enjoy your life with your new partner, be patient and look after yourself both physically and mentally so that you are ready when your girls come visit you, and they will. Best wishes M8.