Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth

06/10/2021 by 1 Comment

Life isn’t a lot of fun when you have people around that you that put you down, talk rudely to you, place unreasonable demands on you and go out of their way to treat you like crap. If you are in a position that you’re not valued or treated like crap at your place of work,  then you should start to look for another job where you’re treated with the value that you deserve. Of course its always important to keep the job you have and you should never leave it until you have secured another. But if you have some available time, then use it to search for a better job.

Don’t settle for less!

A bottle of water in the supermarket is worth about $0.50. The same bottle in a bar costs $2. In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3. At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5. The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product. When you feel like you are worth nothing and everyone around you belittles you, change places, do not stay there. Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. Don’t settle for less!

Filed Under: Dads Health

New dad tips for parenting infants and toddlers

02/10/2021 by 1 Comment

Parenting infants and toddlers is amazing, rewarding and frustrating and it can happen all in the same day.
Imagine being a toddler for just a minute…they can’t articulate clearly what you want, they are completely managed by a parent, given food that you might not like, dressed and changed multiple times a day and restricted to the confines of a play pen, bed or high chair.

All very normal and right but it can cause the child to occasionally throw a tantrum and its these moments we find the most difficult.

There are somethings dad you can do to help reduce the stress in your household and possibly make tantrums less frequent, such as:

Love is the first step

Firstly its super important your infant or toddler feels unconditional love. We have spoken before of about providing Attention, Affirmation and Affection to your child, let’s face it who would feel secure and loved if they received the 3 A’s all the time.

Not to many rules

Don’t bombard your child with to many rules, make your home child safe so they can crawl around where ever they want without being told “not’ to do or touch that. It can eliminate one frustration. Your child might start to get frustrated if you are saying “no” all the time, so look for many opportunities to say “yes”.

If you are getting a lot of “no’s” try not to react, simply repeat the request in a nice calm voice. Is there some way you can make what your’e asking your child to do that could be made more fun? All aged children prefer to do tasks that are fun and enjoyable.

Give them choices

If its changing into PJ’s and he or she doesn’t want to, try getting two out for them to choice which one they would prefer to put on. Same goes with going to bed, its always a trigger for pushback. Try getting two books and asking which one will we read tonight?

If there is a power struggle and we know there will be, you can use choices like “Its bed time, would you prefer to brush your teeth or put your Pyjamas on first?

Stick to a routine as if your life depends on it

Children of all ages operate far better if there is a strict routine in the home. So they know exactly what to expect each day, whether it be morning or night. I know it can become boring and mundane but trust me on this one…have routines and scheduled time for things every day and stick to it.
Routines help children feel safe and secure. Because when you introduce things that happen the same time every day, things like waking up, breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, cleaning your teeth, what time you come home from work, time for a snack or a sleep, it allows the child to trust you and they are left feeling emotionally secure to just play, explore and be a child.

Be a good role model

Set examples, remember you might not think your child is listening but I guarantee they are watching everything you do.

  • Your moods
  • How you speak to your partner
  • How you react to news
  • If your an easy push over and don’t stick to routines
  • Do you keep the home clean and tidy
  • Do you cook nutritious meals
  • Are you comforting and nurturing with them
  • Are you intentional about the time you spend with them
  • Everything you do and say is teaching your child how to behave.

Teaching your infant or toddler new skills

You will find you get push back probably because your child doesn’t know how to do what you are asking?
Teaching them how to perform simple tasks like putting on a jumper, or putting toys away can be a great start. Start teaching them by talking through the instructions of each task whilst you perform them.

“ok Jimmy, lets pick up all the yellow toys and put them back in the box, see 1,2,3. Then we pick up the blue balls and put them in the box, 1 blue ball, 2 blue ball, 3 blue balls, into the box so they can rest for the night and it keeps the room clean and tidy. Why don’t you show me how you can pick up the pencils and put them in the box too?

Teach instruction on everything you do from the earliest age possible and before you know it, you will have a more ready to help child and less tantrums.

What tips or ideas have you got that you could share with other first time dads? Share them below in the comments box.

 

Filed Under: Children, Fathering, General posts & comments, Parenting

The first night…

11/09/2021 by Leave a Comment

Do you remember the first night after separation or divorce when your child stayed over with you?

You can do it You've got thisI was a little nervous, I just had to step up , plan and ensure it all worked. I very quickly got in the swing of things and it worked out well. The rest is history!

Some of the initial scary thoughts that ran through my head were catering for breakfast, lunch and dinners every day, planning activities and going to the toilet whilst we were out?  This all was now all up to me, no sharing any more, just me.  I felt I grew up quickly because my desire to care for my child outweighed the hard work that I knew lay ahead of me.  I’m not sure but I think it was a mix of perspiration and desperation that got me through, I got used to planning and preparing then we were off and running.

I can’t help but think some mothers would experience the same scary thoughts, for many Dads like me, we could never talk about that, too busy hating each other.

There is definitely something empowering and rewarding when you know you have managed your access days well.  You get better at everything, you start to get a repertoire of recipes, you know what size clothes and shoes they wear.  You know their taste in music, books and movies, you share laughter together and one on one time, you understand morning routines and of course all the hissy fits that goes with it.  The sense of owning that space feels good even if it is only every second weekend.

You little girl can always bury her head in your shoulder if you go to the mens toilets.When we were out and about, and it came time to take her to the toilet or maybe I needed to go? she came with me and simply buried her face into my shoulder when we walked through the mens to the cubical, Always a good time to try and get them to go too, even if they don’t feel like it. When she was big enough to go on her own, I would stand near the door of the female toilets and didn’t move until she came out.  The wheel chair access toilets are gold!!

😂 I remember we were at the swimming centre one day when I walked into what I thought was the mens change room and proceeded to help my daughter change into her bathers, when a women in a towel came out of the showers 😱 For a few seconds I really thought she was the one in the wrong change room. Then she said “I think you are in the wrong room” I apologised and left, honest mistake but laugh every time I think about it.

Do you have experiences that you can share?

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Daughters, Fathering, Separation, Sons

Are you All in or do you Chip in

04/09/2021 by Leave a Comment

30 years ago it was common place in a heterosexual relationship for the female to do all the housework, cooking and parenting of the children. The male was responsible for earning money and mowing the lawns.

Often the male also took on the role of disciplinarian and that is why many baby-boomer men lacked connection to their fathers and even resented them.

Things have changed “thankfully” it’s no longer about what is the male or female role, it’s about partnership and working together so each person equally shares the load for running the family.

Listening to many mums, they still feel the inequality of parenting and household duties and in some cases are over-whelmed by it, causing tension within the relationship.

Some dads say they are busy working, sometimes travelling away and they think that chipping in is ok?  I’m always amazed and feel sorry for these dads as they don’t realise how much they miss out on.  Are these dads tired, lazy or do they have their fathers’ DNA engrained in them? probably a bit of all it?  I think could be a learned habit from their upbringing!

I remember my partner said to me once “Show me a man that is ‘All In’ around the house and I’ll show you a man that is having sex…an interesting thought 😊 is it true guys?

When I was a single dad and sharing responsibility of my daughter 50/50, I experienced first hand everything required to run a functional home.  I combined work and nurtured all the needs of my child all at the same time, it’s not easy but the benefits out-way the hard work.  It’s constant, often starting as soon as the kids open their eyes (and sometimes before).

Being organised, having a system and routine helps to reduce the stress in running a functional home.  The less you have to think about when and what needs doing the easier it will be to juggle kids, home and work.  No one succeeds if you don’t give it your best effort, make it something that you want to master.  Master the shopping, master the cooking, master the cleaning, master the nurturing of your child.  It can be all done with little stress if you give into it and never be wishing you were somewhere else or out with your mates.

Having a partner and sharing the household jobs and parenting is much easier than having to do it all by yourself.  Don’t make your partner feel like a single parent. Be an ‘All In’ dad and make life great for all of you.  The rewards are fantastic and you will have a much happier relationship and family life will be more relaxing.

Relationship benefits from being an All In dad.

  • love
  • more sex
  • more fun
  • feel valued
  • productive
  • reduced stress
  • less arguments
  • higher self esteem
  • a sense of purpose
  • emotional support
  • feeling appreciated
  • time with each other
  • time for your hobbies
  • better communication
  • better shared experiences
  • feeling confident and secure
  • become a better version of yourself
  • Feel part of the whole family and something bigger

How many Dads are All In or do you Chip In – answer the quiz below…

Filed Under: Dads Health, Daughters, Relationships, Separation, Sons, Work life balance

Health and fitness for Dads in the new COVID world

29/08/2021 by Leave a Comment

Let’s face it fellas, the last 18 months have been tough.  Bloody tough.  Who thought that the world would be where we are at right now just 18 months ago?  Whilst lockdowns, self-isolation, quarantine have all become the vernacular, we have had to adjust massively, and above all else, be f**cking resilient.  If resiliency was not something that came to you easily, boy you have had a lesson on it over the last year.  

With our health and fitness, it’s something that should ideally be entrenched in our daily lives and done regularly across the week, but the COVID pandemic has either a) destroyed all previous healthy habits with the closure of gyms, pools and other fitness facilities or b) firmly cemented the fact that there is no way to get started on a fitness journey right now.  A tough place to be.  Thankfully, there is some hope, as we have seen the fitness industry embrace technology with things like virtual classes via zoom, in order keep clients healthy and active and, of course, stay in business themselves.

One thing is for sure in this uncertain world, COVID doesn’t look like its going away anytime soon. So, the sooner we establish what our exercise patterns look like in a lockdown and also out of a lockdown, is the sooner we alleviate the stress of missing workouts, gym closures and declines in our physical (and mental) well-being.  But, for those Dads who haven’t been able to even start, I am here to provide some hope that there is a way to improve their physical wellbeing during this pandemic.  

But how? I hear you say.  Dads are pressed for time, they face work commitments, home schooling, household chores, closed gyms and lockdowns which make it next to impossible to exercise.  Well, no, I didn’t say it was easy, but there ARE ways to tackle this, and in extreme situations (like say, during a pandemic with lockdowns), it needs a bit more of a thought-out approach, but it’s still possible to really take back control of your health.

What I mean by this is we need to start by drilling down on what you want to achieve from your health, understanding the struggles and pressures of being a busy father and develop a plan that takes into the current COVID climate and parenting responsibilities.  It should be complementary to your life and not against it.

“Oh man, that sound like a lot of work!” Well, it can be, but now we give rise to the online fitness coach who can guide clients through these stages in order to achieve their ultimate success – no matter where they live.  In my online fitness coaching business, the scenario planning component and what to do when lockdowns hit, are key in the current environment and ensures Dads are prepared for anything.  It alleviates stress and compliments their lifestyle, as opposed to turning it upside down and adding in another stress when the world is already in chaos.

Steven Dornik_Health and Fitness CoachWhat success looks like for each individual is different, hence all approaches need to be different.  But outcomes are much more effective than a traditional in-person trainer who is often seen just once a week, when they take the Dad through his exercise program.  Once through this process, we don’t want to see clients coming back as we’ve built the psychology and behaviours foundationally in the person’s psyche.  So they are not reliant on us, anyone else or life circumstances to keep their health and fitness habits up.  They leave self-sufficient, more educated and health and fitness is firmly part of their lives in a COVID world or not.  Sometimes Dads just need a little bit of help to break old thought and behaviour patterns and establish new ones.  And it’s important now, more than ever, to reach out for that type of help.

If you’d like to get in touch, Steven Dornik is a fitness coach at Peak State Health and Fitness, who specifically focuses on helping Dads rediscover their health and fitness, details below.


Steve Dornik
Health and Fitness Coach
Certificate IV – Fitness, 8 x Ironman

Peak State Health and Fitness
Coaching enquiries: stevendornik@gmail.com mob: 0400 886 119

Instagram
@peak_state_health_and_fitness


@PeakStateHealthandFitness

Filed Under: Dads Health, Work life balance

Would your son or daughter know how to land a Airbus A380?

18/04/2021 by Leave a Comment

NO?…Your right! because know one has shown them how too and they would crash for sure.

Its the same as your child handling new situations in life as they get older.
If they are not told how best to handle and cope with situations, they’ll probably crash.
There are many disappointments through-out life from not getting that job, breaking up in a relationship, not having the money or falling out of friendship.

One of the best things a parent can do is to talk about these things when the time is right and be a good listener.

Just leaving them to work it out or to cope from their own experiences is not helping your child build resilience or to cope and move past the upset…and we know it will past, so take the time when those moments arrive and sit down and talk it through.

Some advice I could give would be to sit down and workshop healthy solutions to problems, make sure that your child understands that they won’t be able to fix every problem straight away, and that’s ok.

Because problems generally don’t get solved immediately, there will be some stress going on so its important to talk about how to relieve the stress whilst things are working out, don’t forget to mention they always do but they might not be able to see it at right away.

When talking about coping with stressful or sad situations, try and align it to what normally your child would do in better times and that could be…watch a favourite movie, swimming, exercise, listening to music or self guided meditation, reading, drawing, talking the dog or recommend and help them do something that makes them happy, this can help relieve stress, sadness or upset.

It is super helpful that your child discuss’s their problem with someone they trust. You are their parent and a significant person in their life but depending on their age i.e. teenagers, they might not want to share it all with you so get them together with a person they would trust like a friend, family member or even a counsellor, they can all be very helpful.

A couple of things to remember:

When your child is sad, it’s a perfectly normal emotion and everyone feels sad sometimes. The difference between depression and feeling sad is that depression will hang around and sadness will disappear.

There are so many reasons people can feel sad:

  • You have had an argument with someone
  • You’re feeling isolated
  • You had a bad day at work
  • Someone said something nasty to you
  • Your relationship has ended
  • You didn’t get that job interview
  • You failed on a test
  • Parents have decided to separate

There are professional services that can be there if that is a better situation for your child, such as:

  • Kids Helpline – www.kidshelpline.com.au 1800 55 1800 for 5 to 25 year olds.
  • Lifeline – www.lifeline.org.au 131114 for all ages
  • ReachOut – www.au.reachout.com 
  • Suicide Call Back Service – www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au 1300 659 467
  • 1800respect – www.1800respect.org.au 1800 737 732

If anyone is in danger call 000 immediately, it’s better to keep safe than be sorry you didn’t act earlier.

 

Filed Under: Children, Daughters, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting, Separation, Sons

Establishing good communication with your children’s Mother

13/02/2021 by 1 Comment

This is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your children. No longer required or is it appropriate to discuss aspects of your life such as feelings, hopes, dreams, plans, finances or what you did today. Share this stuff with friends and other people but never your ex.

There must be a line drawn in the sand that any intimate discussions are out! You both must acknowledge that you are never getting back together. To lead a healthy life going forward, which allows you both to move onto healthier relationships, your discussions from here on are purely around the welfare of your children.

Appropriate and healthy discussions is one element of having shared parenting. Everything to do with the kids like, education, sport, medical, emotional and general well-being is what should be open for discussion. There are some separated or divorced couples that can have a meal or a cup of coffee together to work through their children joint plans but there are others that face to face meetings always turns into arguments. It’s mostly because the discussion goes off topic. Know your limitations and work with it, but don’t ask your children to be the messenger or for them to be the mediator.

You must be the adult and put differences aside and focus discussions purely on what needs to be worked out for the children. As mentioned most arguments happen when you go off topic, writing down what needs to be discussed and stay on topic. When you work out whatever it is, it’s then time to call it a meeting, telephone call, or coffee?

You both don’t have a relationship anymore, you are only co/parenting your children. Nothing else matters or should be of interest to the either party.

If you have a terrible relationship with your ex and can’t stand the site of each other, it would be best to communicate by email and making sure that you monitor the tone and stick to only what must be discussed. It might even be necessary to seek a formal agreement or parenting plan covering the responsibilities of each parent, the more that can be pre agreed to the less contact you need to have with each other, which means the less stress , more routine and consistency and less anxiety if communication is poor.

Consistent and a routine is great for everyone but life has it that sometimes things come up that will prevent you from having the children over during your agreed time. It could be from you, your ex or something your children have on, when this happens and it will, don’t look for make-up time, simply let your ex know that something has come up and you’ll speak to your child but will just need to pick up from the next agreed time.

Its important to support and promote healthy friendship groups for your children

As your children get older, they will have things that will stop them from coming over from time to time. Treat this as normal, it’s not personal, they just like to be with their friends (they still love you). Best thing you can do is be supportive of this, be flexible and go with the flow.

Share your comments below so others can learnt from your experiences.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Fathering, Parenting, Separation

Divorced dads take on choosing a life partner

02/02/2021 by 4 Comments

Have you ever wondered if you have chosen the right partner? There are some telltale signs that can be quite subtle and will become more evident as time goes on.

Im not a relationship expert, but from relationship breakdown experience I can tell you what to look out for so you can get the out with little consequence. I should have also listened to my gut feelings earlier. We all need someone with similar interests, things to do together. You know, long walks, game of squash, swim at the beach, book reading, online business project, hiking, movies, going to the gym, sex, similar social expectations, save money, doing nothing, sitting on the couch for a whole day watching Netflix episodes, picnic in the park or whatever other things you like to do together, and there needs to be many. Its these things and more that you need to be on the same page with. But there is more…

The passion you have for your career and what you are responsible for at work?


Like, do you need to be contactable on the weekend or after hours? If so, surely you don’t want grief from your partner if you have to take a call on the weekend to sort out a crisis at work? If they don’t get that, you’re in trouble already.

Just little things like that can dissolve a marriage. Much of your happiness together is based around an easy go lucky nature towards each other and very little complaining from both of you. Aligning to similar values and the things you would like in life. Have you discussed children? Do you both want children? That can be a biggie. Don’t forget when children arrive, most people need to put their relationship on hold for 10 years and be supportive friends. You need to allow each other space and to be free from criticism. If you are both trustworthy and put each others best interest top of mind, there isn’t any reason things should go bad so long as you remember the bigger plan.

You’ve heard the saying, “It is a two way street” (It really is) and both parties need to be kind and flexible with each other, if you are judgemental, grumpy or demanding, how do you want your partner to respond to that behaviour? Any partner with self preservation will not appreciate being treated like that, cracks will appear and you’ll have a relationship breakdown in the making.

There are some people that bring out the worst in us, probably because you are fighting for survival or you have an imbalance in your relationship i.e. someone feels they have the raw end of the stick or have the short straw?

At the end of the day, you need to choose a life partner carefully and listen to your gut and intuition and take your time. Things are all wonderful in the early days, so give it a lot of time, it will be worth the wait.

We would like to hear your thoughts and what has worked for you, write them in the comments below for other to read and learn.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Relationships, Separation

The Do’s and Don’ts of managing the time your child has with you.

07/01/2021 by Leave a Comment

Not living with your child everyday can make some Dads very protective, even jealous of time with your children. While many people would think this is a normal emotion it also highlights a need to look at things differently so that your protectiveness does not effect your children or your relationship with them.

It’s not about the time you have with your child. Rather, it’s the time your child has with you.

As children get older, they take on more and more external activities such as sport, friends and school activities etc and these activities can start to get in the way of your time. The feelings your experiencing are normal. But remember they are normal growing and developments pains. Understanding this and being accepting and flexible will only benefit you and your child’s growth and development.

If you are selfishly protective of your time with your children, if you believe that they would prefer to spend time on their own personal activities or with their friends rather than you, or if you complain and whinge, and think that their mother promotes this over spending time with you then you are gravely mistaken. Making your kids feel guilty about not spending their “allocated” time with you will only distance yourself from them and never achieve a normal relationship with your kids.

The best thing you can do is to show everyone including your children that their best interests are your top priority by displaying flexibility, understanding and maturity. You will gain major points with your kids if you approach it in this way.

DO’s

  • Support and encourage your child’s healthy activities.
  • Provide financial, emotional and moral support.
  • Always offer transportation and logistical support even if its not on your time or if its not the activity you would have chosen.
  • Promote practise time of all activities when they are with you.
  • Let your child go to sleep-overs or visit their friends even when its on your time.
  • Promote your child to have friends sleep-over at your place, this will help keep the normalicy around your home.
  • Get involved if possible with their sport and be a volunteer at the club.

Don’ts

  • Deny your child good things to get involved in such as healthy activities, promote these activities always.
  • Be upset that these activities get in the way of your time with them. Instead where possible get involved in their activities (in a non intrusive manner).
  • Ask your ex for “make-up” time for the time you have missed because of these other activities. Being a Dad and sacrificing time is normal and it is a growing experience for you as well as them.
  • Make your child feel guilty or sad “EVER” for the time that they miss with you. Your child’s healthy active activity is far better than being forced to stay at home.

If you do this right, I can’t stress how much this will benefit you. It will assist in your Children’s adjustment and development, they’ll have a positive attitude towards you, request more time with you, and your relationship with them will be more normal.

Share your experiences as a separated parent and be part of the conversation, it can benefit many dads going through separation.

Note: Some phrases and points I have used from a good read called: Wednesday Evenings and Every other Weekend.

Filed Under: Activities, Children, Fathering, Relationships, Separation

Separated dads have feelings too

05/01/2021 by 5 Comments

When we separate we feel a sense that we have lost our position in the family.  Don’t forget that you are still your children’s father,  even though you do not live with them. You must maintain a mindset and make it clear in your children’s mind that your family continues even though you don’t live with them every day. Your children now have two homes instead of one, there will be some adjustments around ease of access but your love and responsibility does not change and your efforts and determination to ensure that they know this will not go unrewarded.

Feelings of guilt, loneliness and depression can definitely come from separation and for some can be quite intense leading to avoidance and solitude.  There was a study conducted on men who after separating for 2 months, 1 year and 2 years  from the family home all showed similar signs of avoidance i.e. not going home to an empty house, they would more likely work back late or visit a bar with a friend.

One of the loneliest times for separated dads is when they are driving away after returning the children to their mothers, this was definitely real for me.  There are some great books to read on this subject. Reading can help you understand your own feelings and provide coping strategies to help you work through those times.  I spent many a times in book shops in the “self Help” section looking for answers and ways to cope.

Remember, knowledge will help you get through this, so keep searching and reading up. Check out another post on our site that can provide some answers for you, click here Practical Steps to take when separating

Learn more about us here

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation

What to say to the kids?

15/08/2020 by 7 Comments

These were the hardest conversations I ever had! I am sure that every dad and mum dreads telling there children that they are separating.  I wish I had of had tips on what to say to the kids.  It is the most difficult and awkward situation to comes to terms with as they are the last people on earth you would want to hurt or disappoint!

My kids were unaware of the real difficulties we were going through and it was a surprise when they learned that we were separating.  I definitely had the what, hows and why’s?  How to answer them is important and having some insight and working together with your ex on what they actually want from you both post separation is the key to keeping it all together.

Below are some of the responses to many of the tough conversations you will go through.

What to say and how to say it:

Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.

  •  Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.
  •  Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from making their breakfast to helping with homework.
  •  Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid Blaming:

It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

  •  Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
  •  Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
  •  Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

How much information to give:

Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

  •  Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
  •  Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.
  •  Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.

Helping the kids express their feelings:

For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

  •  Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
  •  Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
  •  Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
  •  Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

What I need from my mum and dad after divorce (from your child’s’ point of view):

  •  I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
  •  Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
  •  I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
  •  Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
  •  When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
  •  Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mum and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems

Clearing up misunderstandings:

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception.

  •  Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
  •  Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
  •  Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

 Give reassurance and love:

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

  •  Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
  •  It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
  •  Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
  •  Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but you’ll find out and it will be okay.

The comfort routines:

The benefit of schedules and organisation for younger children is widely recognised, but many people don’t realise that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease.

Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules.

Thank you to the Help Guide for content.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Kids Health, Separation

Have you really thought this through?

08/08/2020 by Leave a Comment

I receive many emails and speak to many dads on our live chat service and recently a dad ask me a question that made me think that you didn’t think this through, did you?

He said to me …”I recently have left my wife and child, they have stayed in our family home, my wife doesn’t work and I have gone and rented my own property. Do I have to continue to pay for the mortgage on our joint property as its costing me a fortune! WHAT?

Your wife doesn’t work, you have a child still living with her in the family home and recently separated, what do you expect they do?

Its super expensive to separate and divorce, suddenly there are two homes and two of everything that need to be duplicated i.e. rents, furniture, food, bills, and everything that goes with setting up a new home for you and your child. There is massive change for both sides, its already very emotional, scary, unsettling, distracting and each person – Mum and Dad need to have a secure roof over each of your heads and while things are being settled you need to make sure that you are both ok. Remember you have a child that needs to spend time with both parents and they need to see that Mum and Dad are ok.

If you have equity in the house, savings and you both work, its still going to be tough and cost you more than living in a shared house but much easier than if one of you don’t work. It will definitely adds another level of complexity that needs to be worked out.

So think carefully if your relationship can be saved. What could each of you do to get back on track, the way it used to be… you were once madly in-love! If that isn’t possible? Do your numbers, grab a note pad, bring up an excel spreadsheet and do a full budget based on how you will both be able to live in two separate homes and cover all bills associated with the family and your child.

At least then you can make better decisions with knowledge of what you’re about to enter into and you can decide what the best next steps will be for everyone.

Filed Under: Finances, Separation