Even though separation and divorce is common place, it still feels like failure and in some ways we are embarrassed at times because of it. We get pigeon holed into “single dad” or “separated father” when in fact we are simply a “dad” or a “father”.
There are times when we have to explain our situation. I remember being at a shopping center with my daughter and a photographer had a stand set up and was handing out promotional cards. I took one and he engaged in conversation about getting a portrait done. It looked good and I was happy to discuss it until he asked “where is mummy”? I said there is no mum that will be in the photo, he said “no problem” we can just take the two of you. I lost interest and said no thanks! you might be better of finding a mummy and a daddy to take photos of 🙂
Another time was when I went to a cafe for breakfast and the waitress (older woman) handed out the menu’s and said “no mummy”? and tilted her head sideways as if that was the most unfortunate thing she had heard all week? You can probably imagine I didn’t find anything on the menu I liked. It is unaware and ignorant people that seem to put their foot in their mouth, it took me quiet awhile to accept their ignorance. These days I still refuse to buy anything from a business that appears to have a negative opinion on separation. I guess so many people have an opinion i.e. friends, family, waitresses, photographers etc that you get a bit tired of feeling like you are a second class citizen. We already feel like we have failed in some ways, we just need to be treated like anyone else and respected for our contribution for positive parenting.
We work harder at parenting our children than when we had two people sharing it in-fact, we should pat ourselves on the back and say well done. 🙂 We have turned what could have been a disaster into a positive environment for our children even if the situation isn’t how we would have preferred. We have taught our kids some important things and we have modelled good behavior. We show controlled conflict resolution, provide for them emotionally and financially, we behave in a dignified and mature manner and we always keep our eyes on the main event…our children.
When people think of domestic and family violence, they often think of how much it hurts the adult victim. It’s true that domestic and family violence is most often violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour. But what you may not realise is that children also experience domestic violence and this affects their physical and emotional health and wellbeing. Growing up in a family where there is a perpetrator of Domestic Violence can cause serious long term mental health issues for the children of that home.
Many children worry about what will happen to them when their parents split up, and it can be a big relief to them if the arrangements become clear and predictable early on. Working out a parenting plan as early and as quickly as possible serves many purposes such as it gets your children into a regular routine, you can have certainty around access, holidays, do we share in the buying of gifts and presents, do we share clothes etc.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Let’s talk about Men’s Health, it’s the week for it, and something we should always keep top of mind. It’s important to prioritise our health. By doing so we are a better version of ourself to our families, our children, our partners, our friends and… ourself. If you’re like me, I like myself much better when I’m feeling healthy.
Pick ups and drop offs can be tough! I remember there were times that if I had a heart rate monitor on, you would have seen my heart rate at…5kms away 110 bpm, 3kms away 135bpm, entering her street 150bpm. One of the things I have learned on this journey is that it is extremely important to get along with your child’s mother when it comes to shared parenting.
A bottle of water in the supermarket is worth about $0.50. The same bottle in a bar costs $2. In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3. At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5. The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product. When you feel like you are worth nothing and everyone around you belittles you, change places, do not stay there. Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. Don’t settle for less!
I was a little nervous, I just had to step up , plan and ensure it all worked. I very quickly got in the swing of things and it worked out well. The rest is history!
When we were out and about, and it came time to take her to the toilet or maybe I needed to go? she came with me and simply buried her face into my shoulder when we walked through the mens to the cubical, Always a good time to try and get them to go too, even if they don’t feel like it. When she was big enough to go on her own, I would stand near the door of the female toilets and didn’t move until she came out. The wheel chair access toilets are gold!!
30 years ago it was common place in a heterosexual relationship for the female to do all the housework, cooking and parenting of the children. The male was responsible for earning money and mowing the lawns.
When I was a single dad and sharing responsibility of my daughter 50/50, I experienced first hand everything required to run a functional home. I combined work and nurtured all the needs of my child all at the same time, it’s not easy but the benefits out-way the hard work. It’s constant, often starting as soon as the kids open their eyes (and sometimes before).
Having a partner and sharing the household jobs and parenting is much easier than having to do it all by yourself. Don’t make your partner feel like a single parent. Be an ‘All In’ dad and make life great for all of you. The rewards are fantastic and you will have a much happier relationship and family life will be more relaxing.
Let’s face it fellas, the last 18 months have been tough.
What success looks like for each individual is different, hence all approaches need to be different.
New dad tips for parenting infants and toddlers
Parenting infants and toddlers is amazing, rewarding and frustrating and it can happen all in the same day.
Imagine being a toddler for just a minute…they can’t articulate clearly what you want, they are completely managed by a parent, given food that you might not like, dressed and changed multiple times a day and restricted to the confines of a play pen, bed or high chair.
All very normal and right but it can cause the child to occasionally throw a tantrum and its these moments we find the most difficult.
There are somethings dad you can do to help reduce the stress in your household and possibly make tantrums less frequent, such as:
Love is the first step
Not to many rules
Don’t bombard your child with to many rules, make your home child safe so they can crawl around where ever they want without being told “not’ to do or touch that. It can eliminate one frustration. Your child might start to get frustrated if you are saying “no” all the time, so look for many opportunities to say “yes”.
If you are getting a lot of “no’s” try not to react, simply repeat the request in a nice calm voice. Is there some way you can make what your’e asking your child to do that could be made more fun? All aged children prefer to do tasks that are fun and enjoyable.
Give them choices
If its changing into PJ’s and he or she doesn’t want to, try getting two out for them to choice which one they would prefer to put on. Same goes with going to bed, its always a trigger for pushback. Try getting two books and asking which one will we read tonight?
If there is a power struggle and we know there will be, you can use choices like “Its bed time, would you prefer to brush your teeth or put your Pyjamas on first?
Stick to a routine as if your life depends on it
Routines help children feel safe and secure. Because when you introduce things that happen the same time every day, things like waking up, breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time, cleaning your teeth, what time you come home from work, time for a snack or a sleep, it allows the child to trust you and they are left feeling emotionally secure to just play, explore and be a child.
Be a good role model
Set examples, remember you might not think your child is listening but I guarantee they are watching everything you do.
Teaching your infant or toddler new skills
Teaching them how to perform simple tasks like putting on a jumper, or putting toys away can be a great start. Start teaching them by talking through the instructions of each task whilst you perform them.
“ok Jimmy, lets pick up all the yellow toys and put them back in the box, see 1,2,3. Then we pick up the blue balls and put them in the box, 1 blue ball, 2 blue ball, 3 blue balls, into the box so they can rest for the night and it keeps the room clean and tidy. Why don’t you show me how you can pick up the pencils and put them in the box too?
Teach instruction on everything you do from the earliest age possible and before you know it, you will have a more ready to help child and less tantrums.
What tips or ideas have you got that you could share with other first time dads? Share them below in the comments box.