By Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. Author of Smart Parenting During and After Divorce.
The advice in this article will be very difficult for some of you to agree with. That being said, let me also say that generalizing about people whose lives may be very complicated is difficult to do, so these are just general guidelines not informed by your particular story.
My rule of thumb is that divorced and separated parents should keep children out of their social lives until they have been separated or divorced for a period of at least two years and you have known your potential new partner for at least a year. Let me explain the easy things first.
New Partners
You might think your new partner is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but at one time you thought the same thing about the person whose name is on the bottom of the restraining order you just got. It’s hard to resist the power of someone who not only makes you feel good about yourself but reinforces your negative feelings about your ex.
With all of that conflict to concentrate on (especially if both of you are going through divorces), who has time to create trouble in the new relationship? What happens as a result is an extended “honeymoon period” in the new relationship. Having your kids along with your new partner helps legitimize the relationship, especially if your kids like your new partner’s kids and everyone gets along—but it might very well place unnecessary pressure on the kids.
Reasons to Take It Slow
One reason to take it very slow in having your children cozy up to your new partner is that often, the “second time around” relationship is just as bad as or worse than the first relationship you had, and you want to get away from that person too. That may be fine for you, but what if your kids like that person and the people who tag along with him or her? What happens then is that your children go through another round of sad separations, and ultimately they become mistrustful and suspicious of the next round of people you bring them into contact with. For kids, these separations can be as painful as the divorce from their mother or father.
Then there are the situations where you bring your children into contact with your new partner and they hate that person. What you have created in that circumstance is a pipeline of complaints that go from your children to the other parent, and that creates yet another set of problems.
Children of divorced parents often feel split loyalties between a new partner or parent figure and a biological parent. This is made worse when one of the biological parents is insecure or angry. It is very easy for children to pick up on, and as a result they try to please and soothe that parent by being critical of Mom or Dad’s new boyfriend or girlfriend.
With all of the problems that are associated with bringing children into contact with new boyfriends and girlfriends, it is a wonder why people do it with such frequency. There are two main reasons: One is that when parents separate they yearn for the return of a “normal” life with a companion. In their desire to create that normal life, they make decisions too quickly or without thinking through all of the possibilities and often end up replacing one dysfunctional relationship with another. As adults we are entitled to do this until we get it right, but we should try to avoid exposing children to our dating disasters. Related to this is the second main reason—when a parent adopts the philosophy that “My kids and I come as a package deal. If you think you want to be with me, my kids have to approve.” This is a perfectly reasonable philosophy, but it must be employed later rather than sooner. You should figure out whether the person is worth having your children evaluate them first.
Why the Two-Year Rule Works
I advocate the two-year rule because by the one-year mark most couples have seen each other at their best and at their worst. If you have seen your partner at your worst and he or she does not try to damage your self-esteem when you fight, and you have successfully solved many of the relationship problems you could not solve with your ex, then your relationship has a better than 50-50 chance of succeeding in the long term. I have seen quite a few complicated and difficult circumstances arise because people are in too much of a hurry to introduce their children to their new partners.
Another advantage is that after some time has passed, even young children will expect their mothers and fathers to want companionship, and the children will not be as focused on wanting to reunite the family. There is no guarantee your child will ever stop wanting this, but in most cases children will want it less after a few years or at least accept the reality that it’s not going to happen.
Once you have passed the two-year mark of being out of your old relationship, and once you know your new partner for a year, you can start talking to your children about meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend. If your children are old enough to understand what a boyfriend or girlfriend is, don’t beat around the bush. This is actually one of the advantages you have gained by waiting such a long time before introducing the person.
The Sleepover Question
Different people have different ideas about whether parents should invite their boyfriends or girlfriends to sleep over at their house. I would say avoid it, especially with young children. Children are growing up very quickly these days, and they will start to ask questions about whether you are having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you are sleeping with them. You could properly tell them this is none of their business, but the situation will nevertheless make them feel uncomfortable, and you will ultimately have to deal with what kind of model this presents to your children, especially when they are fifteen years old and want to bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home to your house to sleep over.
Finally, it might be very tempting to bring your little children into bed with you and your new partner to snuggle or watch television, but I have seen this cause problems between mums and dads who become furious at the thought of their children climbing into bed with someone who is a “stranger” to them and cuddling. Before you permit your child to do this, ask yourself it is worth the legal fees you will have to spend in order to convince someone that you think there is no harm in it.
Quick Tips
- When it comes to introducing your kids to the people you are dating, wait, wait, wait. Then think it through, wait some more, and start talking about the person who is becoming special and whom you would like them to meet. Even when you are careful as can be, children might not warm up to the idea of your dating for a long time. One thing is certain—if you rush it, there will be problems.
- Split loyalties are common when children are brought into a relationship with a parent’s new partner. It will take patience and an ability to be warm, but stay in the background to get past this.
Australia has some of the hottest and most extreme summers in the world, and whether you’re a local or a passing tourist, getting out amongst it all during a hot day can be the furthest thing on your mind. However, there are plenty of things you can do outside that take full advantage of a hot summer’s day, and they all can give you great memories and ample relaxation time in between days off work, or whilst on holiday. If you need some ideas on what you can do the next time the temperature gets extreme, read on. Here are 5 activities that are fun and relaxing that you can do during those roasting Australian summers.
Travelling for me (as a sole parent) has been something that has provided an enormous amount of pleasure for my daughter and I.
I chose the Buskorn wing at the Holiday Inn Phuket and flew with Jetstar.
I may have over spent on the accommodation but there are no regrets…. it was an incredible time for a dad and daughter! Buskorn wing at The Holiday Inn is a private part of the hotel, simply divine, relaxing and pure luxury.
We hired a motorbike and searched for great spots such as Surin beach.
After a well earned foot massage we would retire to the hotel around 11pm then wake up to do it all again.
We found fun things to do like elephant riding through the jungle and jet skiing at Surin beach.
market at the entrance of the beach selling fresh fruit and cold drinks, which made healthy snacking easy.
Travelling with my daughter to a destination such as Bali has been wonderful to relax and spend quality time together away from the stresses of every day life. Although Bali has beautiful hotels and resorts that cater specifically for people who want to sit by the pool or find a tranquil spot on a day bed under a plam tree. There is also some important learning’s we can bring back from Bali to help educate children on how lucky and well off we are.
I planned our whole trip online. We wanted to both relax but I also wanted to show my daughter a safe but different side of life so we visited an orphanage in Denpasar. At the orphanage the children were cared for well, it was clean and spacious.
The building is 3 storey’s high but at some stage must have been abandoned because the building looks unfinished. They have built rooms inside, and designated areas for meals, kitchen, music, schooling, dorm bedrooms for boys and girls and prayer. My daughter and I gathered up all her clothes that didn’t fit her any more and packed them into a large suitcase and carried them over to donate to the orphanage.
You get to sign your donation into the guest book. I went back a year later and donated more clothes and saw that many people visited and signed the book after me. Mostly donations of money. I recommend you visit this Orphanage with your kids and see for yourself the good they are doing for these children.
Rejection is usually a difficult emotion to deal with for anyone. When it comes from your children, the pain can be unbearable. Depending on the circumstances in the family, such rejection can be all consuming for a father.
There are so many reasons dads get tattoos, and probably the single biggest reason is to mark the birth of our children or as a tribute to them. If you’re considering a tattoo, have you thought about what design? Here are some tips to help you make the right choice.
Mate, its important but not that important
I’m talking about work.
I recently read a story about a Dad who was told by his doctor that he was going to die of cancer. He immediately thought that he should have spent far more time with his children and made them more of a priority.
If only he had off known that he is critical to the health and wellbeing of his children throughout all their stages both young through to teens and onto young adulthood.
There seems to be this belief amongst some families that the mum holds the key to being the main parent figure, In some cases this is true but I blame the mum and the dad for that. Mums take on this righteous belief that they control and own every aspect of the Childs upbringing, which is not true. Dads focus on their work and allow this to happen which prevents them from ever gaining back an equal voice in the home, which is wrong.
Maybe some dads don’t want to cause an argument, or they are lazy and don’t want to step up so they’re happy for the mum to take control, they have a controlling partner or they place more importance on their job and career than what’s really necessary.
How can I change this, you may ask? Make time and be intentional with your effort to be around and to be available.
If you are one of these dads that has missed out on time because of any of the reasons mentioned above, guess what? It’s never too late to start up again. In fact your child will be pleasantly surprised and you will be able to learn more about them that you ever thought was possible. Times seems to pass quickly but it doesn’t really, there is plenty of time to nurture a good relationship.
Your job won’t suffer because you don’t work those 15 extra hours a week, spend them at home and be available doing stuff.
Some things that I do you could copy are:
By prioritising your children more and backing off the time and focus you spend at your work will pay off more than what your boss could ever provide – and that’s a connection, love, satisfaction, family, bond, affection, memories that can last a lifetime and the feeling that you are very important and valued in your Childs life.
It’s not something that will happen overnight, but it does happen and it happens because you were there.