Leaving the family home is much harder if it is initiated by your partner.  Interestingly some research conducted in 2003 showed that only 32% of all divorces were initiated  by men.  It makes sense that your partner is probably coping better than you.  This is not to say she is having a better time.  Research shows that before separation the initiator’s stress levels were higher than those of  the non initiator and after separation they reduced and the non initiators increased.

It’s an emotional roller coaster for both parties.  Once the separation is initiated it can spark different emotions such as feeling of guilt, actions can be misread and feelings of anger due to rejection.  The non initiator can feel hopeful and could suggest reuniting and even continue to act as if they are still in a working relationship. Then the feelings can turn to rejection and possible shame.

To avoid mixed messages, Relationships Australia and Mensline Australia recommend that you are clear on exactly where your relationship is at so that you don’t get caught up in confusion.  They suggest that you:

• Restrict contact with your former partner to one call a week, fortnight or month
•  Restrict socialising or going out together
• Limit doing things for them
•  Do not engage in sexual activity with them
• Avoid confrontation

Remind yourself that there is no evidence that your former partner wants to get back with you unless they specifically say so.

This is not to say that separated people can’t get back together.  However, it can take time and usually follows a long period of non-contact.  The emotional bonds created by the original relationship takes a long time to disentangle.

Remember if it’s over it’s over. Hanging on to false hope only prolongs the pain and distress.

Thank you to Relationships Australia and Mensline for their insights.

It was a bit of a shock suddenly having to think about everything!  Many of the family tasks were previously shared such as cooking, gardening, supermarket shopping, planning holidays, weekend entertainment, reading, homework, buying birthday gifts, cleaning bathroom, rooms and carpets and floor, washing, ironing, folding, purchasing clothes, bill paying, making school lunches, clothing alterations, planning calendar, household repairs, driving children to school and friends homes  etc. Phew are you tired yet?

There were many things to take into consideration and I needed to understand what my skill gaps were? For me it was cooking, I knew how to prepare spaghetti bolognaise and chicken stir-fry but we are all too familiar with that saying “who wants chicken every night”. I found taste.com.au became my best friend.  It enables me to search 1000’s of recipes and provides ingredients, method and allows you to create a shopping list, there are easy meals and some more challenging but honestly there is something for everyone.

If you’re at all like me, I found that I was time poor at the end of the day and always rushing around when it came to preparing meals, so I got into cooking a couple of meals, casseroles or soups on Sunday afternoons and then I had a couple of meals during the week that just needed to be warmed up?  Saves a lot of time and left me more time to spend with the kids.  I also found a BBQ cooking course at BBQSchool It was a fun half day and came in handy by giving me an understanding of cooking meat and a variety of vegetables too, we BBQ 2-3 times a week during the summer months.

To keep on top of things I dedicated all my spare time to managing the jobs that needed doing.  A couple of days before the visit I would clean the house, think about meals, go shopping for food and basically just get ready.  It really is like getting for a visit from royalty and I want everything to be right.

Depending on the balance of what was shared , the above could be more or less than what you are normally used to,  it was definitely more than what I was used to.  I remember employing a cleaner for a big clean once a fortnight and had them come the day before the kids arrived, this took away one job and allowed me to concentrate on other things, that became an unnecessary expense and I cancelled them and became good at it myself.  Putting aside dedicated time helped me to get these jobs done,  how have you found balancing all of this, any tips?