Five quick easy ways to regain your calm

29/09/2012 by 1 Comment

feeling calm when overwhelmed“Sometimes I don’t realize how much stress is building up until I suddenly feel overwhelmed.  Other times, several stressful or attention-demanding events will happen at once, and I suddenly go from calm to completely overwhelmed really quickly.  However it happens, It’s a good idea to know how to  quickly calm down when feeling overwhelmed by stress?”

There are many ways to calm down quickly when you suddenly get blindsided by stress and feel overwhelmed. The following are five quick and easy ways to regain your calm so you can deal with whatever situations are at hand:

Take a Walk

Exercise can be a great stress reliever in itself, as it helps you blow off steam and releases endorphins. Taking a walk when stressed can bring you the benefits of exercise–both short-term and long-term, and it provides the bonus of getting you out of the stressful situation. This can provide you with some perspective so you can return in a new frame of mind. Walking with a good friend can be a nice way to find social support, and walking alone can provide you with some time to think, reframe, and return with a more optimistic frame of mind.

Take a Breath

If you’re not in a position to leave, you can feel better right away by practicing breathing exercises. Getting more oxygen into your body and releasing physical tension are two ways that breathing exercises can benefit you, and you can do them anytime or anywhere, even if your demanding situation isn’t letting up.

Take a Mental Break

If you can steal away a few minutes of peace, visualizations and guided meditation bare a wonderful way to restore peace of mind. They’re easy to do, and can relax you physically as well as mentally. With practice, you can easily access your “happy place” and quickly feel more calm when stressed.

Reframe Your Situation

Sometimes we intensify our experience of stressful situations by the way we look at them. If you can look at your situation differently, you may be able to put it into a different perspective–one that causes you less stress! Read more about mental and emotional stress that can be caused by pessimism, type A traits, and other self-sabotaging thought patterns, and learn how you can change the way you look at things. It’ll come in handy when you’re stressed. (Learn more about mental stress and self sabotage here.)

Try Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a technique where you tense and release all of your muscle groups, leaving your body feel more relaxed afterward. PMR is one of my favorite techniques, as it can be done by just about anyone, and with practice you can fully release virtually all the tension you’re feeling in your body in a matter of seconds! This can help you feel more calm and better able to handle the situations at hand. (Learn how to practice PMR here.)

Once you’ve been able to calm down, you should be in a better position to address whatever stressful situations you’re expriencing. It’s also a good idea to adopt a few regular stress relievers and healthy lifestyle habits so that you can reduce your overall stress level so that you experience less stress and are less bothered by the stressful situations you do encounter.

Filed Under: Dads Health

A simple way for dads to relax

08/09/2012 by Leave a Comment

a simple way for dads to relaxIn our busy world, meditation is becoming more and more popular as dads search for ways to relax, de-stress and enhance their quality of life.

I found years ago that guided meditation had positive benefits , particularly when I was looking for ways to relax.

I remember when I first tried a CD, I had my earphones in and fell asleep before it got to the end of the session (worked well).  I woke-up during the night forgetting that I had earphone’s in and felt the cord brush past my check and thought it was a spider and jumped to the ceiling scrambling to get it off me 🙂 it was hilarious!

You don’t have to do anything but sit or lay and listen!

Meditation is an incredibly enjoyable, healthy and inspiring way to achieve inner peace, and guided meditations are, quite simply, the easiest way to meditate.

Traditional unguided meditation techniques, while wonderful in their own way, do require some effort on your part. It’s your job to keep your mind focused and as clear as possible. But with guided meditation, you are guided into a state of meditation by spoken word guidance. Your guide will literally walk you through the process step by step.

Can you think of anything more effortless and relaxing than listening to tranquil music while you are guided into a state of deep meditation?

Guided meditation is not only easy, it is also a very powerful tool for personal development and a simple way for dads to relax.

Meditation plus visualization:
The awesome power behind guided meditations

Where guided meditations get really interesting is in the way that they utilize the power of your imagination and the power of visualization to effect positive personal changes. This is one of the main benefits of guided meditation, and in this regard, guided meditations are even more powerful than traditional, passive meditation.

Visualization, or creative visualization as it is sometimes referred to, is the use of mental imagery to effect positive changes in your life. Visualization techniques are now widely employed in many fields such as the arts, sports, business, alternative medicine, religious practices, psychotherapy and self-improvement.

As Denis Waitley, coach to both Olympic champions and Apollo astronauts once said:

“The mind cannot tell the difference between an actual,‘real-life’ event and a vividly imagined one.”

Guided meditations help you to vividly imagine positive experiences that represent, either directly or symbolically, whatever changes you wish to express in your life.

During a guided meditation you are in such a deep state of relaxation that the imagery you are guided to visualize becomes very vivid indeed. Immersing yourself in a guided meditation while listening to positive suggestions is a blissful experience that results in real and immediate benefits. You’ll feel better; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Of course, different people have different goals and needs, and with that in mind, guided meditations can be tailored to achieve specific outcomes such as:

  • Improving clarity in life
  • Spiritual development
  • Experiencing elation, freedom and expanded awareness
  • Emotional and physical healing
  • Enhancing creativity
  • Profoundly deep relaxation
  • Increasing confidence and personal empowerment
  • Opening the heart and healing relationships
  • Curing negativity or self defeating behaviors
  • Improving performance in business or sports
  • Resolving psychological difficulties

A well crafted guided meditation often includes positive suggestions and positive visualizations that cause you to have an inner experience of the changes you are seeking to realize in your outer life.

Why is this so important? Let’s allow The Buddha to answer that question for us:

“The mind is everything.  What you think you become.”

Guided meditations help you to achieve a state of deep inner stillness, so that your mind can be cleared of clutter and unwanted thoughts, and then filled with vivid visualization experiences that effect positive personal changes.

Particularly well crafted guided meditations may also make use of symbolic imagery, so as to connect with the deeper, more abstract levels of your mind in an effort to encourage profound healing and personal development breakthroughs.

There so many different guided meditations downloads that you can easily obtain from online. You can download guided mediation on

  • Relaxation
  • Sleep
  • Inner peace
  • Self confidence
  • Stop smoking
  • Learning to trust
  • Calmness
  • Improved sense of positivity
  • Elimination of anxiety
  • And many more

Click here to listen to some demo’s and see what might work for you? There is some free guided meditation around you just need to Google it and apply some trial and error to find the type that works for you.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Lifestyle

Daily routines reduce stress

02/09/2012 by Leave a Comment

Daily routinesRoutines today play a huge part in our family, because our kids really don’t have any control over their day to day life, it can give them an opportunity to feel like they belong in the running of the household and provides a sense of order, control and predictability.

Routines have provided good habits  with structure around meals, sleep times and morning rituals. I am sure that even though my children don’t know it’s happening, they would be appreciative that they have this structure during key times of the day.

I started these routines the minute I move to a single parent life and it has continued on now for a few years.

Some of the positive take out have been:

  • Same time every morning and night when brushing teeth reduces push back from them in actually doing it.
  • Baths and showers before bedtime signifying the end of the day and they can hop into bed feeling clean and calm.
  • Breakfast, lunch and dinner always at the approximate same time, has reduced craving and grumpiness.
  • When it was housing cleaning time, it taught life skills, never always easy but I can say we have progressed from tidying up rooms to vacuuming and mopping floors  🙂
  • Enabled me to have some order around daily activities even whilst everything else may have been out of control.
  • It ensured that the important things got done.
  • We can then go on auto pilot and conserve energy and brain power.
  • It’s provided security and a sense of control.
  • It saves scrambling and allows us to focus on things.
  • Kids don’t cope with change very well and it has provided predictability.
  • Daily routines reduce stress in our lives

Routines have created a positive effect on my life.

OMG without a routine, getting ready in the morning would have been a nightmare.  I can say that our home is happier in the morning and pretty smooth sailing because of it.

For example:

Morning

Getting up and going can be hard whether young or old. If you find it hard getting started in the morning, having a solid routine established from first up in the morning means a much easier flow to the day.

I maintain the same alarm time to get up every morning and it means all the difference between having a good morning and having a bad one. I account for an extra 30 minutes for the potential of a hair hissy, sleepy kids or slow eaters.  It makes all the difference because we are not worried about those roadblocks that chew up time. Because my kids are in school it takes all the stress out. For example my daughter will  come out and say I cant do my hair correctly this morning? I say “Oh really, keep trying you’ll get it” with no stress. If I didn’t have the 30 minute buffer I could be saying “hurry up, we need to get moving” then all hell would break loose J

With getting up, having breakfast, getting dressed and brushing teeth and doing hair, there is really only one way for me to start the day off with practically no stress.

Mealtime

Mealtime also has been a good activity to establish good habits for us. We always have a good breakfast, maybe I am lucky but there has never been an option not to eat at breakfast time and I usually serve up, cereal, toast, fruit and a glass of milk or water (whatever they feel like). Yes it’s a lot and they usually only eat half of everything put in front of them. They go off to school knowing that they are well fed, I read once that it stops junk food cravings and grumpiness as lack of food brings all that on. This study also mentions how the lack of food reduces concentration, I think we get that!

Mealtime has also been a time that we sit together and just eat and talk about the day. We are not perfect, there are definitely times that we eat while watching some TV, just depends how the evening has gone but generally it’s always around the same time and homework or reading has been done.

Sleep

I found as the kids get older, it’s harder to get them to bed. For some reason they believe they are going to miss on ..who know what? I reckon too it is that they have much more fun running around than laying down to head off to sleep.

Sticking to a rigid sleep ritual has been a god send, well rested children are more pleasurable to be around. Next to eating, this would be No.2 priority. It reduces the amount of whinging and irritability that takes place and are much easy to reason with.

My kids routine starts with either having a quick shower, brushing teeth, going to the toilet and a story.  At the moment  I read a page, then they read a page and about 20 minutes into it they are tiring and its light out.

If I try and get them to bed even 15 minutes earlier than normal, they will fight sleep the whole way, so I found timing is everything. Sometimes if they are restless, I let them listen to some soft music with lights out and I come back in 10 minutes and they are usually off with the fairies.

Play

On weekends, my kids know that there will be sporting activities somewhere such as walking, bike riding or now and then doing something interesting like: indoor rock-climbing. It takes a little coaxing sometimes but when we get to it they are happy with the outcome. I balance it with down time so when we get back they simply lounge around and rest with normally a DVD.

They have come to expect it and it has also put a routine on me for planning such activities for the weekend.  Sometimes I feel we are the best tourist in our own cities.

It’s not a commando routine and that every minute of the day is structured – far from it! Rules got broken, flexibility has also been important when deciding what needs to be done and when?

I really can’t promote routines enough, it has been my saving grace and I am sure it has given me less stress than if I had no routine.

 

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Kids Health, Lifestyle

A Father’s Love is One of the Greatest Influences on Personality Development

26/08/2012 by Leave a Comment

A fathers loveFather’s Day is fast approaching. Few more days to go and we will be celebrating this day with overwhelming gratitude for our dads.

In a half-century study involving over 10,000 people from around the world, researchers from the University of Connecticut found that a fatherly love contributes as much, and sometimes more, to a child’s personality and development, as that of a motherly child.

Parental acceptance and why it’s so important

The researchers looked at 36 studies from various nations about how parental rejection affects a child’s personality and its development until adulthood. The studies were based on surveys that aimed to measure the parent’s degree of rejection or acceptance of their children. Rohner and Abdul Khaleque, study authors, found that children who have experienced parental rejection tend to become more anxious and insecure, and sometimes more aggressive and hostile towards other people as they grow up. This makes it more difficult for them to stay away from the cycle and become better parents. These adults are also less likely to form a secured and trusting relationship with their partners.

The feeling or rejection or acceptance is crucial to one’s personality development. According to Rohner, there’s emerging scientific evidence that reveals that there are parts of the brain that are activated when people experience physical pain and these regions are also activated when a person feels rejected. But the good thing is – people can revive this emotional pain over and over again, he pointed out.

Fatherly Love vs. Motherly Love

The researchers also studied the degree of impact of a father’s rejection or acceptance as compared to that of the mother’s.  Based on their analysis of the 36 studies, Rohner and Khaleque found that the influence of a father is oftentimes much greater as compared to the influence of the mother.  A group of experts working on the International Father Acceptance Rejection Project has one explanation for this. According to them, children and young adults tend to pay more attention to the parent which is perceived to be having a higher authority.  So if the child perceives his father to be of a higher authority, that child’s behaviour is more likely to be influenced by his dad.  More scientific investigations are needed to support this claim though.

An important realisation from this research, as explained by Rohner is this: fatherly love is critical to a person’s development. Knowing this would help motivate men to become more involved in rearing their children.  Furthermore, these findings will reduce the society’s ‘mother blaming’ attitude which is most observed in schools and clinical environments as more people realise that daddies, do have a major role to play too in developing a child’s personality.

Their findings were published in the Journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.

 

Source of this article:

A Father’s Love is One of the Greatest Influences on Personality Development, Society for Personality and Social Psychology

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Fathering, Kids Health

It’s bloody hard making new friends

15/08/2012 by Leave a Comment

It's bloody hard making new friends

I’m sure you would all agree of the importance of having friends – they provide a good support system and are generally key to having a social life.

It’s bloody hard making new friends as we get older, throw in loosing some along the way, people are settled with their existing friendship groups, we are busy, we don’t feel like going out because we are dealing with some grief, our availability is every second weekend, we could be working longer hours and have less money.

Although I saw the value in friendships, I found the lack of money one of biggest roadblock in finding new friends as I believed it costs money to be social.  The end of the week would arrive and I needed to watch my money.  I didn’t have any single dad friends,  the people I knew were either single or in a relationship.  Both of theses groups had more money and didn’t need to worry about budgeting, it felt like they could live life a little easier, and in some ways they could.

If someone asked me out I had to sometimes say “sorry I already have plans” to save the embarrassment of letting them know that I was financially challenged, however sometimes I just didn’t feel like I would be fun to be around.  So I could end up spending a lot of time on my own.  I would occupy myself by going for walks, bike ride, hanging out and reading the weekend papers in the local cafe, an afternoon movie, run, or just be at home watching TV.  I’m sure this is common amongst other men who are separated!

It was just easier to say I had things on! This worked at least once a fortnight as then I had my children every other weekend.  So my availability would come around infrequently and possibly i would go out every 5-6 weeks.  Not a lot of time to work on friendships.

This can impact in many ways:

  1. It reduces the fun times in your life
  2. You laugh less
  3. Prevents the development of new friendships
  4. Reduced availability to talk and chat
  5. People start to call less often
  6. Difficulty in planning ahead
  7. Becomes the norm instead of a one time event
  8. You do a lot of reflecting
  9. Become introverted
  10. It can make you miserable
  11. There is little distraction from loneliness

If you’re finding it tough, don’t despair, below are a few ideas to implement and help you cheer up!

  • Be kind to yourself:  Exercise regularly. It’s healthy and cleanses your mind.  Exercise and other healthy activities will take away the loneliness, releases endorphins and make you feel better about yourself. Being healthy will not only improve your internal disposition, but it will improve your fitness level.  Go outside, take a walk or just enjoy the sun and fresh air for a few minutes everyday.
  • Find a hobby:  It can be listening to music, reading literature, or even brushing up on your computer skills. Talents are also things that social networks can be built around.  Join a club or guild devoted to what you are interested in or good at.
  • Be your own best friend: Be good to yourself and treat yourself with a lot of respect and kindness.  It’s easy to be negative towards yourself when you have no one around you.  However, it’s very important that you don’t develop overly negative feelings towards yourself, creating low self esteem.  That said, no one likes an egomaniac, so be sure to keep your feelings in check.
  • See the advantages of having no friends: It’s a mistake to think having no friends isn’t normal just because thats what society tells you.  Stop believing society.  Having friends can get you to grow dependent of others, which can be considered a weakness.  A strong mind can save itself and you’re now able to have one. Realize that you’re among the stronger ones if you can make it through life without friends all the time.
  • Write letters:  Write to your relatives (even your kids) or you can find a pen pal.  Writing a letter to someone will help you get through tough times and stay in touch with the positive in your life.  Treat them as you would wish to be treated and you’ll find yourself coming a long way.
  • Try To Develop Friendships. Spend time around people doing things you enjoy:  If you’ve taken up a sport or hobby, go to club events, sporting meet-ups and competitions.  Engage with people at these events to make connections.  Take it slowly if you’re hesitant, but allow yourself to connect and potentially click with people who like the same things that you do.
  • Go online and look for like-minded people:  Even if you don’t find friends in real life in any hurry, you can find many people online who share your thoughts, ideas and dreams about many things. You can develop very close and take things at your own pace with the ability to withdraw whenever you need to.  Online friendships are not as intimate as those in real life and usually won’t solve loneliness completely, but are nonetheless a good way to feel connected and pass time.
  • Volunteer:  Doing things that benefit your neighbourhood like community service projects are a great way to meet people. Helping the less fortunate also allows you to step out of yourself and put things into perspective.  Being part of something bigger than your self is good for the soul. Check out GoVolunteer
  • Try to make friends with an animal: You can go to your local animal shelter and buy a dog or cat. Often, pets can act as a nexus of socialisation.  Having a pet gives you an excuse to get outside and talk to other pet owners that you meet on the streets or in the park.
  • Take a chance:  Socialising can be extremely difficult, and even the most social butterfly will find themselves in awkward situations regularly.  To properly socialise, you must be willing to go out on a limb and take a risk.  If you talk to the popular crowd at their table and they insult you, walk away and praise yourself for stepping into that lion’s den.  If you ask someone out and get rejected, praise yourself for having the bravery to admit your feelings.
  • Develop a Positive Outlook:  Look on the bright side of life. It might be hard at first, but there’s always good around you. It’s easy to see all the bad things in the world, and to always be negative.  Be thankful for something in the moment like the sunshine or your health.
  • Stop hating:  If you are anti-this or anti-that, figure out why you’re so against it. If you explore things that you are against, you might find good in them – and if not, you will know your enemy better. Someone who is full of hatred, but cannot say why is often viewed as irrational and unpleasant by the people around them.
  • Explore whether or not you may have a deeper problem:  Excessively negative feelings might be the result of an earlier trauma. An inability to socialise properly might indicate an inherent emotional imbalance or a form of depression.  Remember your doctor or a psychologist in your area are always great people to talk too.

I would like to acknowledge and thank all the authors that contributed to these tips at Wikihow.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation

A Banana Smoothie Idea

04/08/2012 by Leave a Comment

A banana smoothie ideaA smoothie that the kids will love, you can be creative by purchasing some decorative glasses and making it look like a smoothie you would get from a resort. Kids always appreciate the effort.
A deliciously healthy way to start the day, this smoothie is full of bananas, honey, with just a hint of cinnamon that makes it more-ish. It’s breakfast in a glass and a great way to have a meal on the run or an after school snack.

 

 

banana-smoothie

 

 

 

 

Serves 2

  • 1 Banana – best if they are ripe
  • 1 tablespoon of honey
  • 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • 2 cups of milk
  • 2 scoops of ice-cream
  • 2 ice cubes
  • 2 decorative glasses
  • straws

Go crazy and blend it all together and enjoy!

 

Filed Under: Breakfast, Dads Health, Kids Health, Meals, Snacks, Video

Where do you think your putting those fingers doc?

11/07/2012 by Leave a Comment

Men and the Big CI always dreaded the thought of my GP performing a digital examination and it was the no.1 reason I never went.  These days technology has saved the day with detection of many diseases through blood testing (thanks gawd) I can now say I go yearly.   The Alfred Hospital has put out a Mens Health Booklet titled – Men and the Big C and it’s worth a read.  Below is an extract from the booklet and we would like to say  Thank You to The Alfred Hospital and Mr Peter Royce, Director, Urology for there great work on Mens health.

Many cancers are caused by a combination of ageing, genetics and other uncontrollable factors. However, there are some that are “man-made”, so to speak.

This means there are some factors that are in your control. You can make a real difference to your own health and help ward off illness by making some simple lifestyle changes. These include quitting smoking, moderating your alcohol intake, improving your diet, getting regular exercise, being sun-smart and making sure you have regular check-ups with your GP.

You can also educate yourself by becoming aware of the symptoms of the various forms of cancer and acting fast. Something that is always worth remembering is, the earlier you detect cancer, the better your chances of fighting it and beating it.

In the Dads Health category we will cover many types of illnesses that you can learn about, how to look out for symptoms, know when to visit a doctor and how to minimise the risk. We also hope that it is a good reminder to visit your GP for regular check ups.

PROSTATE CANCER

Prostate cancer is the second most common cancer diagnosed in men. The positive news is that if it’s found early enough, the cure rate is very good. In fact, two-thirds of men will not die from this cancer as it will not progress sufficiently enough within their lifetime to cause harm.

In Victoria, about 4,000 men are diagnosed with prostate cancer each year. The majority of these men are over 60 years of age.

The prostate is a small walnut-sized gland found only in men. It sits just below the bladder. Many men can live with prostate cancer without any symptoms or effects. In statistical terms, there is a 10 per cent chance of being diagnosed with prostate cancer by 75 years and a 1 per cent chance of dying from it by 75 years.

Having a family history of this disease puts you at increased risk. Interestingly, those of Asian descent have a much lower risk of prostate cancer.

Symptoms

Often there are no symptoms of prostate cancer. Some men report frequent urination at night while others experience difficulties starting and stopping urination. Symptoms can also include pain when passing urine, blood in the urine or semen and a feeling that the bladder can’t be fully emptied. Experiencing these symptoms does not necessarily mean you have prostate cancer –  it could point to an enlarged prostate rather than cancer – but should always be investigated nonetheless.

How is it diagnosed?

There are tests that may detect prostate cancer early such as a digital rectal examination and a blood test for Prostate Specifi c Antigen (PSA).

What can I do?

• Keep your weight down and reduce your intake of saturated fats.

• Include at least five serves of vegetables in your diet each day. Research shows that antioxidants in vegetables can lower your risk of prostate cancer (especially cooked tomatoes and broccoli) as well as reducing incidence of colon cancer and heart disease. It is also thought that soy milk and tomatoes (particularly cooked with the skin on) may help prevent prostate cancer.

• Men aged over 40, with or without a family history of prostate cancer, should consider a annual prostate check.

 

Filed Under: Dads Health

Divorce Poison

16/06/2012 by Leave a Comment

There is no accident that I am using a “Danger sign with skull and cross bones” as it visualises exactly the harm of poisonous words.

I remember being bad mouthed by my children’s mother.   Whether it was directly at them or on the phone in earshot of the children, it’s all the same, it is “Poison”.  I don’t know if she was intentionally trying to drive them away from me but it creates damage and can last forever.  If you handle the situation poorly, you could lose your children’s respect and their affection, in extreme cases, contact with them.  Luckily I didn’t lose contact with them but I lost their affection and I think respect.

Poison comes from justifying hatred and anger.  Regardless of who’s to blame, each person has fault and each person thinks they are right.  Nothing can justify poisoning.

I didn’t know what to do at the time, I had advice from a psychologist to do nothing but be passive about it.  Today I am not sure that was the right advice!  The psychologist said to maintain your calm approach and when they get older they will see that you have not been this “terrible” person their mother makes you out to be or “overheard to be”.  Instead they will see you as their knight in shining armour!  I don’t know that in my situation this was the right approach.

By doing nothing, I believed I was saving my child from further poisoning as I didn’t escalate the issues by arguing with their mother.  It only made me hate her more and I felt helpless.  It was happening to them at such a young age, by the time they were older the damage was done.

My passive approach allowed the relationship to be damaged as I could not balance the poison with kindness, caring or even affection.  I do remember speaking to their mother about how I was not happy that she was poisoning me in front of the children when on the phone or her abrupt response when I picked up or dropped off complimented with doors slamming shut.  In hindsight I should have not discussed how it was upsetting me, as clearly she didn’t care.  Maybe she might have given more of a damn  if she knew it was affecting her children and would have long term implications?

It did wreak havoc at times, our reconnect was slower as there were invisible hurdles we needed to overcome first before we could enjoy our weekend.  The poisoning never really got discussed between me and kids other than I think I mentioned once to not take too much of what your mother says about me as truth however,  they were young and not capable of rationalising things.  I said – It is about how I treat you and you should only take me on how I treat you when we are together and that I have nothing but love for you.  They were very uncomfortable during this chat so it was difficult to continue.

I still maintain today that we should NEVER bad mouth (poison) the children’s mother in front of the kids, regardless of what’s going on.  Today I would have done it differently as I have become more educated in these matters, but it is difficult as you do not want to bring more confusion into their world.

Today I would:

  • Document the occasions for possible future litigations
  • Confront her privately and ask her to stop the poisonous remarks in front of the kids
  • Tell her that her behaviour will not be tolerated ( It probably won’t change much but she will be put on notice)
  • Focus on helping the children to understand that their  mum may be feeling angry and upset and although it is not an excuse to say mean things about you,  you will not take it personally
  • Tell them it’s ok to love both mum and dad and they don’t need to take sides
  • If they are old enough,   suggest that they speak to their mum and tell  her that they do not want to hear these comments and to stop them
  • Seek professional advice i.e counselor for next steps if the poison was to continue

An article on this topic was posted on CBS News Website called Divorce Poison and is worth a read.

There are many books written on this subject and below are a few links and I suggest you research the best way forward as we all have slightly different circumstances.

 http://www.complexfamily.com/_blog/C…n_against_you/
http://www.webheights.net/dividedheart/warshak/dp.htm
http://www.brainwashingchildren.com/…/brainwashing/
http://www.warshak.com/divorce-poison/index.html

If your feeling overwhelmed by events, you don’t need to handle it on your own.  Click through to our SOS link and arrange to speak to someone.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation

Losing friends through separation

03/06/2012 by 10 Comments

Yep, you’re a great guy, have been a popular member of your friendship groups, have had a full table of friends over for dinner, met friends down the beach, gone to the movies with a group, maybe even taken an overseas holiday to Bali with those same friends. You think life with friends is great, well buckle up and hold on. You are about to open a new chapter of your life!

Separation often makes life complicated and unfortunately you could lose friends. This comes at a difficult time because much of our health and well-being comes from the people around us as they play a large part in your support system.  And now when all turns to crap, some of them are nowhere to be seen, depending on the circumstances of your separation for example: if you had an affair, there will be some friends that will judge you and make a decision on whether they support you going forward.

Some reasons why you might lose friendships are:

  • They judge you as not being an honest person and having same values
  • They believe you brought this tough time onto yourself
  • There own relationship is not great and you could be contagious
  • They choose who they will support, you or your ex (even if they have been your friend)
  • You are now “John Doe” the separated guy and they are not sure how to relate to you
  • You now have different interests and priorities and they just don’t relate
  • A single dad just does not fit in with their idea of a friendship group

Whatever the reasons, some friends will leave you like rats leaving a sinking ship!

There has certainly been enough going on hasn’t there!  Let’s not add to this disillusionment by wasting time and energy worrying about what cannot be changed.  Focus on positives, get out and spend time on yourself.  In the past you have probably had friends you would not have chosen, now you can choose exactly the friends you want to spend time with.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with dropping out for a while and just hanging out with yourself, in some ways it can be quite therapeutic to find yourself again. So long as it is not forever (as some fall into that trap of hanging out there and never leaving) finding new friends can be uncomfortable but you need to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Susan Jeffers author of a book of the same title “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” has some great tips on getting your assertiveness back and to think more positively about getting out there again.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation Tagged With:

Initiator versus non initiator

03/06/2012 by 1 Comment

Leaving the family home is much harder if it is initiated by your partner.  Interestingly some research conducted in 2003 showed that only 32% of all divorces were initiated  by men.  It makes sense that your partner is probably coping better than you.  This is not to say she is having a better time.  Research shows that before separation the initiator’s stress levels were higher than those of  the non initiator and after separation they reduced and the non initiators increased.

It’s an emotional roller coaster for both parties.  Once the separation is initiated it can spark different emotions such as feeling of guilt, actions can be misread and feelings of anger due to rejection.  The non initiator can feel hopeful and could suggest reuniting and even continue to act as if they are still in a working relationship. Then the feelings can turn to rejection and possible shame.

To avoid mixed messages, Relationships Australia and Mensline Australia recommend that you are clear on exactly where your relationship is at so that you don’t get caught up in confusion.  They suggest that you:

  • Restrict contact with your former partner to one call a week, fortnight or month
  •  Restrict socialising or going out together
  • Limit doing things for them
  •  Do not engage in sexual activity with them
  • Avoid confrontation

Remind yourself that there is no evidence that your former partner wants to get back with you unless they specifically say so.

This is not to say that separated people can’t get back together.  However, it can take time and usually follows a long period of non-contact.  The emotional bonds created by the original relationship takes a long time to disentangle.

 

Remember if it’s over it’s over. Hanging on to false hope only prolongs the pain and distress.

 

Thank you to Relationships Australia and Mensline for their insights.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Separation

Windy road ahead but keep going

02/06/2012 by 7 Comments

There is at least one common thread amongst us, we are all trying to raise our children and be the best Dad that we can be.  There’s no need to go it alone or feel that it is hopeless or you are a second rate carer compared to their mum.  We know, mums have been paving the way in child care for generations and most of them doing a great job. There is absolutely no reason why we cannot be as competent in all aspects of child care as mums.  I found, you just have to want to!

When thinking about how we can overcome some challenges whilst we take on the most important job that we could ever do – raising children to be good adults.

Is…

Remember to look after your health both mentally and physically as we know too well parenting requires both physical and mental effort.

Don’t be the stereotypical male and attempt to go it alone, it’s too hard, there are people you can ask for help, other dads, friends, family and today there is so much information provided online there is no excuse for not knowing – you just have to “Google your questions” may I even suggest to ask your question here, I am sure you will get hundreds of good people wanting to help.

Be kind to yourself and interact with other adults, we all need adult conversation. I remember going on holidays with the kids and by the end of the holiday as much as I loved it, really enjoyed hanging out with some adults when I got home.

If you have lost friends through separation as we all know we do, get involved with a hobby club, walking club, sporting club or some “people” interaction activity, it’s great to just chat.

There is one area that I feel is always a challenge and will post more on this later.  But for now it is “discipline” When we separate we feel we have put our kids through enough change and are reluctant to argue with them or to enforce rules.  The best way forward would be to agree on a basic set of rules with their mother that are enforced in both homes and then stick to them.  They soon get use to them and unhappiness is replaced by routine and happiness returns.  The short term struggle is worth the effort as you are teaching them values, respect and discipline to enable them to step into adulthood knowing what is right and wrong.

Because all our situations are different and there are degrees (more or less) of the above, one thing is for sure, if we are consistently trying to improve our life and our children’s – you will succeed.

Filed Under: Dads Health, Fathering, Parenting

Our kids are the main event

28/05/2012 by Leave a Comment

I was never allowed to participate in parenting, If I dressed my kids they would be too cold or hot, if I prepared a meal it was too spicy, when I cleaned their room it wasn’t done correctly? Maybe she was right? But that all changed when we separated.

It became my time to engage in parenting and to perform fatherly duties without the aggravation and arguments that came from a bad marriage.  I was able to dedicate time to getting better at all the things supposedly I was doing wrong?

Today I get no criticisms from the kids around how clean the house is (it is clean), what the meals taste like and my overall parenting skills…OMG maybe I got better! I dedicated a lot of time to practicing being a good parent and learning all the skills of being a great dad.   There is a good book called “Wednesday evenings and every other weekend” it has a story around dedicating time to the task of being a good parent.

The story talks about being a responsive parent and to clear your schedule and your mind of everything except your child, I think about this in way of being 100% present when ever you are with them.  It takes practice and even then I am guilty of not achieving 100% all the time.  The book has a good analogy: The circus understands this principle.  There might be three rings, but when the star appeared there was only one center ring – the only part of the big tent that was lit.

Our kids are the main event, the top of the bill, the one you have come to see.  Have you paid for a ticket to the big top?  Absolutely! You have spent thousands to be able to spend time with your child, to say nothing of your emotional investment.  Now sit back and fully enjoy that which you have given so much to see.  This is the V.I.P performance. At this moment you are the only ticket holder. You can find this book at Amazon:  “Wednesday evenings and every other weekend”  a second hand book can cost .12 cents with only $4 shipping, definitely worth a read.

It was my opportunity to parent, I loved showing the world that I was good at it and that dads are as capable and competent as mums.  I didn’t feel like I was missing out anymore,  I loved planning our weekends and including downtime on the couch just hanging out.  I worked hard at putting all the disappointment behind me and concentrated on our main event.

We know that divorce smacks the smile of your face and we feel run over by a semi trailer – No a B double! 🙂 But finding the quickest way to get over it and finding your smile will be the best thing for you and your kids.  If you feel that you are hardly ever present when your kids are with you, it might be worthwhile seeing a physiologist to help you get to a better place so that when the kids are with you they are the main event.  I did a couple of times, it helped me sort out crap and to be more fun with my kids.  There is a good health directory for practitioners in your area if you feel it could help.

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health, Fathering, Parenting, Separation