How to talk to your child about the News

20/04/2013 by Leave a Comment

how to talk to your kids about the newsNews gleaned from the TV, radio, or Internet can be a positive educational experience for kids. But when the images presented are violent or the stories touch on disturbing topics, problems can arise.

Events all over the world but recently in America such as the explosions at the Boston Marathon and the mass shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School might naturally cause kids to worry that something similar might happen to them or their loved ones. It also can make them fear some aspect of daily life — like going to school — that they never worried about before.

Reports on shootings, attacks, natural disasters, and child abductions also can teach kids to view the world as a confusing, threatening, or unfriendly place.

How can you deal with these disturbing stories and images? Talking to your kids about what they watch or hear will help them put frightening information into a reasonable context.

How Kids Perceive the News

Unlike movies or entertainment programs, news is real. But depending on their age or maturity level, kids might not yet understand the distinctions between fact and fantasy.

By the time kids reach 7 or 8, however, what they see on TV can seem all too real. For some youngsters, the vividness of a sensational news story can be internalized and transformed into something that might happen to them. A child watching a news story about a bombing on a bus or a subway might worry, “Could I be next? Could that happen to me?”

Natural disasters or stories of other types of devastation can be personalized in the same manner. A child in Melbourne who sees a house being swallowed by floods from a storm in Brisbane may spend a sleepless night worrying about whether his home will be OK in a rainstorm. A child in Adelaide, seeing news about an attack on train station in Sydney, might get scared about using public transportation around town.

TV has the effect of shrinking the world and bringing it into our own living rooms. By concentrating on violent stories, TV news also can promote a “mean-world” syndrome and give kids an inaccurate view of what the world and society are actually like.

Talking About the News

To calm children’s fears about the news, parents should be prepared to deliver the truth, but only as much truth as a child needs to know. The key is to be honest and help kids feel safe. There’s no need to go into more details than your child is interested in.

Although it’s true that some things — like a natural disaster — can’t be controlled, parents should still give kids space to share their fears. Encourage them to talk openly about what scares them.

Older kids are less likely to accept an explanation at face value. Their budding skepticism about the news and how it’s produced and sold might mask anxieties they have about the stories it covers. If older kids are bothered about a story, help them cope with these fears. An adult’s willingness to listen sends a powerful message.

Teens also can be encouraged to consider why a frightening or disturbing story was on the air: Was it to increase the program’s ratings because of its sensational value or because it was truly newsworthy? In this way, a scary story can be turned into a worthwhile discussion about the role and mission of the news.

Tips for Parents

Keeping an eye on kids’ TV news habits can go a long way toward monitoring the content of what they hear and see. Other tips:

  • Recognize that news doesn’t have to be driven by disturbing pictures. Public TV programs, newspapers, or newsmagazines specifically designed for kids can be less sensational — and less upsetting — ways of getting information to children.
  • Discuss current events with your child regularly. It’s important to help kids think through stories they hear about. Ask questions: What do you think about these events? How do you think these things happen? These questions can encourage conversation about non-news topics too.
  • Put news stories in proper context. Showing that certain events are isolated or explaining how one event relates to another helps kids make better sense of what they hear. Broaden the discussion from a disturbing news item to a larger conversation: Use the story of a natural disaster as an opportunity to talk about philanthropy, cooperation, and the ability of people to cope with overwhelming hardship.
  • Watch the news with your kids to filter inappropriate or frightening stories.
  • Anticipate when guidance will be necessary and avoid shows that are too graphic and inappropriate for your child’s age or level of development.
  • If you’re uncomfortable with the content of the news or if it’s inappropriate for your child’s age, turn it off.
  • Talk about what you can do to help. After a tragic event, kids may gain a sense of control and feel more secure if you help them find ways to help those affected by the tragedy or honor those who died.

 

Thank you to Kidshealth.org for content.

Filed Under: Fathering, Kids Health, News, Parenting

How to cope emotionally when your children want nothing to do with you.

13/04/2013 by Leave a Comment

How to cope emotionally when your children want nothing to do with youRejection is usually a difficult emotion to deal with for anyone. When it comes from your children, the pain can be unbearable. Depending on the circumstances in the family, such rejection can be all consuming for a father.

Keep a perspective can help in coping with rejection. The child’s attitude may not be forever. Also, there is usually a significant reason why they want to maintain a distance, at least from the child’s perspective, irrespective of what influences there are on the child. It helps to reflect on these reasons and if you can’t do it on your own without always becoming distressed or angry, then getting support from others, including professionals may be a helpful path. Regardless of any perceived injustice on you, your child will need your patience and respect, while maintaining an ‘open door’ policy to show them you are available, open minded and dependable.

Focus on your strengths as a father and make those strengths stronger. Look back over time and recall your achievements, recall the lessons you learnt from your father and mother, and what you have gained from other men and fathers you have known or read about. Improve who you want be as a dad. When the time comes for your child to want you back in, you’ll have even more to offer.

Fathers who pour energy into their mental, physical and emotional well being are also likely to be healthy men and fathers, who children will look up to and enjoy being with. The usual suspects apply, such as physical exercise, healthy eating, and keeping away from damaging drugs and alcohol abuse. Meditation can help in many ways, including increasing how well you tolerate stress, reduce your emotional reactivity, and increase your acceptance of changes beyond your control. Paying attention to your social network is also very important. Invest in new friendships and networks (clubs, groups, etc), and reinvest in old ones – it’s never too late.

There are also various support services available such as : self-help groups and telephone counselling services for men, as well as group programs which focus on fathers and separation. Check the links available on this website.

For some fathers, professional support may be necessary if implementing some of these suggestions is difficult or if extra specialist help is needed. If so, you may wish to have a look at http://www.vcps.com.au/ .

By Dr Cherine Habib
Clinical Psychologist and Father.
Victorian Counselling and Psychological Services

Filed Under: Dads Health, General posts & comments

Deciding if a part time job is right for your teenager

04/04/2013 by Leave a Comment

teens_at_workHaving a teenager can be a difficult time, and being one can be even harder. It’s a strange time in their life as they aren’t a kid anymore, but they still rely on people to assist them with decision making. There has been an increase of teenagers joining the workforce in recent years, and the idea of letting adolescents work has been a heavy debate for years. If you and your teenager are trying to decide if getting a part time job is right for their path, there are a few things to consider:

Those in Favour

There are many parents who support the idea of their teenager having a part time job, and some even demand if of their kids. Here are some of the most common discussion points:

  • It teaches them responsibility. Being on time, having specified tasks to complete, and being accountable for their own finances are skills that a part time job can help teach a teenager, and those are things that are needed all throughout life.
  • It eases them into adulthood. Being an adult is a balancing act, and having your teenager manage a day at school, a few hours at work, and social relationships will help him/her prepare for the “real world.” Being thrown into adulthood can be a harsh transition for those who had no chance to prepare, and giving them a small taste of reality will lead to a better chance of them easily adjusting.
  • It keeps them out of trouble. Kids who are kept busy are less likely to get in trouble because having something to do will keep them focused. Teenagers with plenty of spare time on their hands tend to be more inclined to experimenting with things that could lead them down a negative path.
  • It’s good for experience. Starting a job at a young age is great for gathering experience, skills, and references to put on a resume, and it’s always easier to get a job later on in life if you’ve been in the work force for a while.

Those Opposed

For every argument in support of teens holding down a job, there are just as many justifications for those against the idea, and here are the most common concerns:

  • It interferes with their schoolwork. A teenager’s main priority should be school, and having a job to focus on and keep up with could distract them from what’s really important. Doing well in school is what’s going to set them up for success in the future, and they shouldn’t feel compelled to try and hold down a job in the midst of developing their academic career.
  • It pushes them to grow up too fast. In the final years of their childhood, teens should be focused on their education and enjoying being carefree with their friends. They have all the time in the world to learn the responsibility of earning money and balancing relationships. Youth is something they can only experience once, and having to squeeze time in with their friends between school and work could be nearly impossible to do.
  • It leaves minimal time for self-discovery.  Teens need time to be themselves and think their own thoughts. Having to focus on what someone is instructing them to focus on for seven hours a day in school can be overwhelming, and adding a job on top of that could severely stifle the time they have to contemplate what it is that really inspires them about life. Limiting the time they have for self-exploration could lead to indecisiveness or misdirection later on down the road.
  • It’s too much to handle. A typical day at school tends to be about the length as a full day of work for most people, and when you add up the time it takes them to complete their homework, they might not be finished with everything until late in the evening. Trying to put the responsibility of a part time job on top of all that would be too much for anyone to handle.

Making Your Decision

Now that you have heard both sides of the argument, it’s time for you and your teen to make a decision. Whether it’s you pushing for your teen to start working, or it’s your child’s idea, make sure to talk with your child, not at him/her. Effective communication is the key to reaching a peaceful resolve, and if you’re willing to consider letting your child go into an adult world, then hear them out like one. Try reaching a compromise if you hold clashing views; maybe a job working only weekends would be a good starting point. At the end of the day, all that matters is that both you and your teen feel that the best decision possible was made.

Filed Under: Fathering, Parenting

Children and Chores: What I’ve learned as a Father

30/03/2013 by Leave a Comment

Kids and cleaningThere was one thing I was looking forward to when I had my first kid.  It wasn’t spending time raising someone to be responsible, nor was it having a new best friend to laugh and play with.  It was finally getting someone else to mow the lawn for me.  No more of my weekend time wasted pushing my lawnmower with the busted automatic drive, no more time fixing the bag that keeps falling off, and no more hauling the grass bags off to the bin.  That is all Dennis Junior’s job.

Okay, the real truth of it is that I didn’t start having kids to supply my own personal free labor force.  The fact is that I make my kids do chores for the same reasons any other parent does, which is to help teach them about responsibility, reward, and helping to better prepare them for the maniacal world of adult life.

I was raised in a fairly strict family environment and what that left me with was the lasting impression that I wanted my own family to be anything but.  It may have been a tough childhood but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t teach me some good lessons, and while not everything my parents made me do or discipline me for is what I plan on passing along to my kids, my goal was to take the best traditions that I know are good and mix them with some new methods with my own personal twist.

Of course, I have to give that most important of disclaimers “individual results may vary”, but you can just use my method of giving everything a try to see how effective it is on your firstborn, or as I like to call him, “practice baby.”

Make it a responsibility, not a punishment

When my firstborn was young, it was hard to explain the concept of pride to him.  It was something he grew to understand as I explained that how a person presented themselves was how they also presented their own self-respect.  I don’t mow the lawn because I like to, although I really do, because my wife wants nothing to do with yard work and I get some valuable me time with a beer and my iPod.  I mow it because I take pride in where I live.  I don’t want my home to look run down or have anybody judge my family as poor or lazy.

I explained to my children that this was why their rooms should be kept clean.  A clean room is a happy room.  I’m okay with a little clutter, because a little clutter looks lived in and feels like home, but when it starts to look like an episode of Hoarders is where I draw the line.

Participate, do not delegate

Notice I said “help us out.”  Don’t force your kids to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.  This has two negative effects, the first being that it makes a chore feel like punishment, the second being the job probably won’t get done right without your supervision meaning you’ll have to just do it right yourself.

Doing the chores with your kids is a great way to spend time and bond with them.  You can talk to them about their day (a three year old can have quite an interesting day), or sneak in a few life lessons (like why jamming a fork into an electrical outlet is a bad idea).

In traditional cultures parents spend a great deal of time with their children during their childhood teaching them valuable life skills.  There is a disconnect in western culture between chores, children, and how parents instruct children in these chores, with children “striking” on their workload.

Start early, make it routine, and encourage it

The best way to get kids to learn a habit is to start them when they are young.  If mini-you shows an interest in helping you pick up the laundry don’t discourage that behavior by telling them to sit down and get out of the way.  Let them help you out and slow down to their speed.

Kids are great at learning (some studies suggest that the contemporary child is smarter and quicker to learn than kids were decades ago), and when you encourage positive behavior they will naturally come to enjoy it.  Make it part of a daily routine and it will quickly become learned behavior.

Rewards

This is one of those tricky topics.  If you put a dozen parents in a room and ask them what the best type of rewards for doing chores should be, you’ll get about fifty different answers.  The best thing to do as a parent is offer a reward that is tailored to your kid.

What is important to remember though is that rewarding behavior only works until someone decides that the reward is no longer valuable.  If you give your kids money for chores and a sneaky relative outbids you at a birthday party, then suddenly your kids are going to start criticizing the value you place on their work.  If I thought of this situation as me at any job I ever had, and I questioned the value my company placed on me, I’d start looking for a new job.

This is why I for me, the most important principle I try to instill in my children is that of pride and self-respect.  I encourage them to do chores for the same reason that I do them.  Not because I want to, but because it is how I show how I care for myself, and how I care for us as a family.

Filed Under: Children, Fathering, Kids Health, Parenting

Top tips to deal with children’s expenses

29/03/2013 by 1 Comment

top tips to deal with childrens expensesStress and emotional pain of a separation can be exacerbated by worrying over expenses for your children.  Let yourself focus on the important things in life, and work on discovering strategies that will help you to find workable solutions to your financial stress.  Here are some tips on how to deal with your kids expenses when you’re separated.

Create a Budget

It is essential to allocate time to talk to the other parent about your child’s expenses.  From the beginning of the separation, there needs to be a clear allocation of costs and contributions.  This will help to maintain a stable relationship between the two of you for the benefit of your children.  Parenting while separated is difficult, but you can make the process a lot easier if you both know which expenses you are each expected to look after.

Medical Bills

This can be a difficult topic, as the parent that has the children the most often feels obliged to pay for day to day medical bills. While this might be ok for the majority of small bills, they may not be able to extend their budget to accommodate the significant medical expenses that can be incurred through injury or serious sickness.  One option that seems to work well is that all expenses over a predetermined amount are split between both parents.

For example, anything under $50 might be covered by whichever parent has custody of the child at the time, while everything over this amount is a shared expense.  Keeping all the receipts and having a financial meeting every few months can ensure that this arrangement continues to work efficiently.

Childcare

While splitting the expense of medical bills can work quite well, sharing the cost of childcare can be slightly more problematic.  If both parents are paying equally, it can raise issues when the child is looked after by a family member, or maybe has an outing with one of the parents on a designated care day.  One parent can be left feeling cheated, and resentment can build with the sentiment that their payments aren’t being used correctly.

A way around this dilemma is for each parent to pay for the days that they need to have the child in care.  This way, if you choose to have your child looked after by grandparents or have taken a day away from work to spend with the kids, the other parent won’t feel like they are funding your time off.

Don’t let the separation become even more difficult by arguing over finances.  Have a clear plan from the very beginning that is fair, and remember to always make your decision based on what is best for your children.  If you’d like a professional opinion on creating a budget or handling difficult debt issues after a separation, remember to contact a debt specialist.  They can help you to get back on your feet and take control of your financial situation so that your children have a secure and stable future.

 

Guest Post Written by Emma Jane

Filed Under: Finances, Separation

The power of being present

14/03/2013 by Leave a Comment

Power of being presentIf you were to spend a lot of time with me a few years ago, you would have observed the serious and worry side of me. Today that side is still there but in a lessor degree because it gets replaced by a conscious effort to be present in the moment.

Those worries were varied, I could be walking around the supermarket looking for the diced tomato’s but instead my mind would be clouded with many troublesome thoughts all brought about from the complex issues around separation and shared parenting. I learned that our mind play games and we think about negative things that might never happen, in fact 95% of the time they never do.

Being present is one of the most talked about mental dynamics in spiritual life, and that it may be the single most important concept of living if your goal is to be happy and effective. In the absence of being present, we can live in a world of fear, anticipation, regret, anxiety and stress.

Our minds can take us back to the past, reminding us of painful times and our world of troubles, as well as into the future as it did with me, encouraging me to worry and stress.

I have learned to clear my mind and be present these days and i now carry less stress, not only for myself but everyone around me is happier. When your mind is present in the moment, we are less distracted with thoughts of what “might” happen or the negative intentions of other people.  We don’t get overwhelmed with negative reminders of hurtful experiences. Instead, when we are present, we simply get on with what needs to be done now, we are focused on the present moment.  If you are visiting a friend or you have your kids with you, you listen to them intently and with respect rather than allow your mind to wonder elsewhere.

It took quiet along time to get a handle on being present.  It is not something that I read then implemented the next day, it took practice,  but we all have the power to do it.  When our minds wonder from here to there, thinking about problems, becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of past or future drama’s. Its like we get lost in the content of our own thinking, and we don’t even realise it is happening, it just happens.

But i have learned and you can too that we have the power to recognise our own thinking when its taking us to a place we don’t want to go. When we do, we’re able to bring our attention back to the moment – to what ever we are doing or whoever we are with. With regular practise and when you can do this, you will notice that what ever your dealing with will be far less stressful.

Being present will reduce the stress you feel even if your handling a serious issue at that moment.

It is about consciously knowing how we can contribute or exacerbate the painful experiences in our lives by failing to recognise when our mind is taking us to a painful place. For example: We might be doing ok financially but are worrying ourself sick about saving for retirement.  Being more present is not saying don’t plan for your retirement but rather a way of moving through your life effectively without it ruining or magnifying the issue today.

My life today is easier, things that used to drive me crazy don’t so much nowadays, by practising being more present orientated, it has brought me peace of mind and less stress 🙂 have you been able to master this yet? let us know so that others can learn from your experiences too.

 

Filed Under: Children, Dads Health

The secret to getting around a fussy eater

05/03/2013 by Leave a Comment

Matt Prestons chicken schnitzel and coleslawIf your kids are anything like mine and i think most are, they are fussy eaters.

Until recently i threw out a lot of everything I cooked for my daughter, mostly, when I was trying to introduce her to different foods.  She was stubborn when it came to trying something new, which I find strange because I am not a fussy eater nor is her mother?  AND then I got Matt Preston’s “100 BEST RECIPES” for Christmas.

I cooked Jackeroo pie and Chicken Schnitzel and Coleslaw and she asked for more on both occasions.  I believe the secret to getting around a fussy eater is to involve the kids in the cooking process. I was so impressed with the change in her eating habits that I contacted Matt and told him about it.

Matt sent the following message to all our dads online friends:

Few things give me more joy than cooking with kids. Few things also take longer to clean up but there’s no doubt that this is one way round the fussy eater in the family. What they’ve cooked, they tend to eat!

Matt Preston

matt-preston-s-best-100-recipes

 

 

Here is the recipe she likes the best so far…

 

 

 

Chicken Schnitzel and Coleslaw

  • 2 large chicken fillets (cut in half length ways)
  • 160g or 2 cups of fresh breadcrumbs
  • 40g 1/3 cup of finely grated parmesan
  • zest of a lemon
  • 1/4 cup of finely chopped parsley
  • freshly grounded black pepper
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 125ml 1/2 cup of milk
  • plain flour for dusting
  • olive oil for frying pan
  • 2 lemons cut into wedges to serve

Coleslaw

  • 1/4 of a savoy cabbage
  • 1 carrot shredded
  • 1/2 red onion, thinly sliced
  • 235g 1 cup good quality mayonnaise
  • 1/2 bunch parsley leaves, washed and dried
  • 40g 1/4 cup currents

To prepare the schnitzels, beat the chicken until flat between two pieces of plastic wrap. Mix the breadcrumbs with the parmesan, lemon zest, parsley and pepper. In another bowl, whisk together the egg and milk. Dust the chicken with flour, dip it in the egg wash and coat with the breadcrumb mix. Place in the fridge for 30 minutes to allow the breadcrumbs to set.

Meanwhile, to make the coleslaw, mix the cabbage, carrot and red onion in a medium bowl with enough mayonnaise to bind. Set aside for 20-30 minutes to soften.

Heat the oil in a shallow pan and cook schnitzels for 4-5 minutes on each side to golden. Drain well on paper towel. Keep your schnitzels warm while you cook all the fillets.

Toss the the coleslaw with the parsley and currants, pile onto plates with the schnitzels and serve.

Let us know how you go, You, your kids and guests will love them! We even play the “Masterchef” game and score the dish on – taste and plating up appearance 🙂 On this dish I got a 10 for taste and a 7.5 for appearance! I obviously have some work to do?

Filed Under: Dinner, Kids Health, Meals, Parenting

The Hero Project

28/02/2013 by 1 Comment

The Hero ProjectKhaaliq Thomas is a professional photographer and custodial dad of 3 (recently divorced). For the past year he has been working on a photo documentary concentrating on single / custodial fathers households.

We would like to spread the word and support his project so please like this page and share this story from our Facebook page.

Purpose of The Project
The project will challenge the belief of fathers being incapable, unwilling, and or inadequate in performing responsibly, productively and lovingly as a single / custodial parent. I currently have 3 participants and need another 3 to 4 for a truly diverse look into these unconventional family structures. Attention will be given to the dedicated ability of these dads and their commitment to raising productive children and supplying a stable home on their own. The finished project will consist of a 110 page full color photo book. He is using Kickstarter to raise the funds to search for more dads through advertising, print and design of the book and setting up exhibitions of the final project.

Play the video introduction of this project below.

hero final version from DARREN BROWN on Vimeo.

Filed Under: Fathering, Parenting, Video

Dads Cafe Breakfast Menu

25/02/2013 by 2 Comments

This is what breakfast looked like at our house this morning. Every now and then using an A4 piece of paper I draw up a menu similar to the ones we get in a cafe and we all get to order what we would like to eat. It’s a bit of fun as kids love to role play games and you can pretend you are a waiter. I just include on the menu what is available in the fridge and pantry at the time.

dads cafe menu

Filed Under: Breakfast, Children, Dinner, Fathering, Kids Activities, Kids Activities, Lunch, Meals, Parenting

The Super Dad’s guide to a healthy kids birthday party

20/02/2013 by 2 Comments

The Super Dad’s Guide To A Healthy Kids Birthday Party

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kids birthday parties can sometimes end with belly aches, nausea and sugar lows that are not much fun for anyone involved. Try to avoid sending home the neighborhood children with these symptoms by following our healthy party tips!

Don’t bring all of the food out at once

Lollies and kids go hand in hand and they will always choose an unhealthy food option over a healthy one any day. When you throw a party, put out a range of nutritious food platters that are healthy and filling and once you think the children are sufficiently full, you can offer the lollies and treats.

Smart drink choices

Water is the healthiest drink choice for everybody but when attending a party, the kids want something a little more tasty. Instead of juice, soft drink and cordial which are full of sugar, make them some slushies and smoothies using real fruit. You could even decorate the cups with a pineapple wedge or a strawberry for an extra special touch.

What to serve

It takes very little effort to provide tasty food that is both healthy and filling. A platter of sandwiches with a variety of fillings such as chicken and mayonnaise, egg and lettuce and ham and cheese are likely to satisfy everyones tastebuds. If you were thinking of doing hot food, mini pizzas with ham, cheese and pineapple are sure to please. Fruit sticks are a fun way to serve fruit. Thread watermelon, rockmelon, kiwi fruit and pineapple onto popsicle sticks. Add a marshmallow to each one as a surprise treat. For a final healthy treat idea, jelly cups with real fruit not only looks delicious but I’m sure your guests will think they taste great too.

Going natural

Where you can, go natural! Even though naturally flavoured lollies and chips still have a high sugar and fat content, you will be eliminating artificial colouring and flavouring which a lot of children have allergic reactions to and it can also affect their behaviour. The great thing about choosing these products is that they are usually free of preservatives too.

Swap the lolly bag for a treat bag

Instead of giving the kids lollies to take home, swap them for special treats. Bubbles, balloons, pencils, rubbers, stickers, toy cars, costume jewellery and temporary tattoos all make great treat bag ideas.

Have an sporty party

The choices for active parties these days are endless. You can have gymnastics parties, soccer parties, ten pin bowling parties and the any of your favourite sports team as theme. So even if the kids have had some sugary food during the party, they will well and truly burn it off before they go home.

At your next kid’s birthday party, try a few of the above ideas and see what a difference it makes. The only other important thing to remember is to send your party invitations out in time for the birthday bash.

Guest written by Mike Cutcliffe

Mike prides himself as a ‘super dad’ being a stay-at-home father of 3 boys while running his home-based IT business. He has recently held a 10th birthday party for his son and got everyone to dress as their favourite sports stars.

Filed Under: Fathering, Kids Activities, Meals, Parenting, Parties, Some Fun

Developing our kids self esteem

20/01/2013 by 1 Comment

self esteemHealthy self-esteem is like a child’s armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who know their strengths and weaknesses and feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life.  These kids are realistic and generally optimistic.

In contrast, kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If given to self-critical thoughts such as “I’m no good” or “I can’t do anything right,” they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response might be “I can’t.”

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is similar to self-worth (how much a person values himself or herself). This can change from day to day or from year to year, but overall self-esteem tends to develop from infancy and keep going until we are adults.

Self-esteem also can be defined as feeling capable while also feeling loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also develop low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when a good balance is maintained.

Patterns of self-esteem start very early in life. The concept of success following effort and persistence starts early. Once people reach adulthood, it’s harder to make changes to how they see and define themselves.

So, it’s wise to think about developing and promoting self-esteem during childhood. As kids try, fail, try again, fail again, and then finally succeed, they develop ideas about their own capabilities. At the same time, they’re creating a self-concept based on interactions with other people. This is why parental involvement is key to helping kids form accurate, healthy self-perceptions.

Parents and caregivers can promote healthy self-esteem by showing encouragement and enjoyment in many areas. Avoid focusing on one specific area; for example, success on a spelling test, which can lead to kids feeling that they’re only as valuable as their test scores.

Signs of Unhealthy and Healthy Self-Esteem

Self-esteem fluctuates as kids grow. It’s frequently changed and fine-tuned, because it is affected by a child’s experiences and new perceptions. So it helps to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.

Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things and may speak negatively about themselves: “I’m stupid,” “I’ll never learn how to do this,” or “What’s the point? Nobody cares about me anyway.” They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves.

Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions, and a sense of pessimism prevails. This can place kids at risk for stress and mental health problems, as well as real difficulties solving different kinds of problems and challenges they encounter.

Kids with healthy self-esteem tend to enjoy interacting with others. They’re comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits. When challenges arise, they can work toward finding solutions and voice discontent without belittling themselves or others. For example, rather than saying, “I’m an idiot,” a child with healthy self-esteem says, “I don’t understand this.” They know their strengths and weaknesses, and accept them. A sense of optimism prevails.

How We Can Help

As a parent we can help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? These tips can make a big difference:

  • Be careful what you say. Kids can be sensitive to parents’ and others’ words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn’t make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, “Well, next time you’ll work harder and make it.” Instead, try “Well, you didn’t make the team, but I’m really proud of the effort you put into it.” Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.Sometimes, a child’s skill level is just not there — so helping kids overcome disappointments can really help them learn what they’re good at and what they’re not so good at. As adults, it’s OK to say “I can’t carry a tune” or “I couldn’t kick a ball to save my life,” so use warmth and humor to help your kids learn about themselves and to appreciate what makes them unique.
  • Be a positive role model. If you’re excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your kids might eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem and they’ll have a great role model.
  • Identify and redirect inaccurate beliefs. It’s important for parents to identify kids’ irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they’re about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping kids set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating themselves will help them have a healthy self-concept.Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to kids. For example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, “I can’t do math. I’m a bad student.” Not only is this a false generalization, it’s also a belief that can set a child up for failure. Encourage kids to see a situation in a more objective way. A helpful response might be: “You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is a subject that you need to spend more time on. We’ll work on it together.”
  • Be spontaneous and affectionate. Your love will help boost your child’s self-esteem. Give hugs and tell kids you’re proud of them when you can see them putting effort toward something or trying something at which they previously failed. Put notes in your child’s lunchbox with messages like “I think you’re terrific!”Give praise often and honestly, but without overdoing it. Having an inflated sense of self can lead kids and teens to put others down or feel that they’re better than everyone else, which can be socially isolating.
  • Give positive, accurate feedback. Comments like “You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!” will make kids feel like they have no control over their outbursts. A better statement is, “I can see you were very angry with your brother, but it was nice that you were able to talk about it instead of yelling or hitting.” This acknowledges a child’s feelings, rewards the choice made, and encourages the child to make the right choice again next time.
  • Create a safe, loving home environment. Kids who don’t feel safe or are abused at home are at greatest risk for developing poor self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may feel they have no control over their environment and become helpless or depressed.Also watch for signs of abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other factors that may affect kids’ self-esteem. Encourage your kids to talk to you or other trusted adults about solving problems that are too big to solve by themselves.
  • Help kids become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both kids. Volunteering and contributing to your local community can have positive effects on self-esteem for everyone involved.

When promoting healthy self-esteem, it’s important to not have too much or too little but “just enough.” Make sure your kids don’t end up feeling that if they’re average or normal at something, it’s the same as not being good or special.

Finding Professional Help

If you suspect your child has low self-esteem, consider getting professional help. Child and adolescent therapists and counselors can help identify coping strategies to help deal with problems at school or home in ways that help kids feel better about themselves.

Therapy can help kids learn to view themselves and the world more realistically and help with problem-solving. Developing the confidence to understand when you can deal with a problem and when to ask for help is vital to positive self esteem.

Taking responsibility and pride in who you are is a sure sign of healthy self-esteem and the greatest gift we can give to our child.

We would like to acknowledge Kids Health for this content.

Filed Under: Children, Kids Health, Parenting

Protecting our kids from social media hackers

12/01/2013 by 1 Comment

hacker safetyThe hacking of mass accounts on a social network is something that seems to be happening a great deal recently, with LinkedIn being the latest victim, after having 6.5m of its users passwords stolen.

Prior to LinkedIn, Twitter suffered a similar hack, and Facebook did too.

Social media profiles have become the target of social media hackers who use that data to further spread their maliciousness or gain access to your more sensitive data. It is always worth remembering that you can become a victim at any time. Not a day goes by when we don’t hear about a new hack, and with 55,000 new pieces of malware generated a day, security never sleeps.

With the latest security threat to LinkedIn fresh in our minds, here are 10 key social media security tips.

1. Think before you post! Status updates, photos, and comments can end up revealing more about you than you intended to disclose, and you could end up feeling like some silly politician as you struggle to explain yourself.

2. Think twice about allowing applications that request permission to access your data. You will be allowing an unknown party to send you email, post to your wall, and access your information at any time, regardless of whether you’re using the application. Before you decide if you want to allow the application access, make sure you know exactly what the application is!

3. Don’t click on short links that don’t clearly show the link location. With URL shorteners like bit.ly (and many more) are becoming increasingly common, it’s easy to forget that such URL’s can also be used by criminals to dupe you. Criminals often post phony links that claim to show you who has been viewing your profile. If you’re unsure about a link, you can test unknown links at SiteAdvisor by simply pasting the link into the “View a Site Report” form on the right-hand side of the page. Alternatively, if you use Hootsuite, you can see the extended URL or a shortened link by simply clicking the ‘+’ sign next to the shortened URL.

4. Beware of posts with subjects along the lines of, “LOL! Look at the video I found of you online!” When you click the link, you often get a message saying that you need to upgrade your video player in order to see the clip, but when you attempt to download the “upgrade,” the malicious page will instead install malware that tracks and steals your data.

5. Geolocation apps such as Foursquare share your exact location, which can also let criminals know that you aren’t home, so reconsider broadcasting exactly where you are. Remember, apps like Foursquare still allow you to gain check-in points without having to disclose your location on your Facebook and Twitter accounts.

6. Always use an up-to-date browser. Older browsers tend to have more security flaws, and it is very simple and quick to update your browser to the latest version.  Firefox is becoming the preferred brower to use when surfing the net, you can download it for free here: http://www.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/new/

7. Choose unique logins and passwords for each of the websites you use. Yes, it’s a bit of a hassle to have different passwords for EVERY site you use, but it’s the best way to limit your exposure if (and probably when) a particular site you use gets hacked. I’m a big fan of password managers, which can create and store secure passwords for you.

8. Check the domain of the website to be sure that you’re logging into a legitimate website. So if you’re visiting a Facebook page from a link in an email, make sure the URL of the site is actually ‘www.facebook.com’ and not a site which looks like Facebook. Hackers often duplicate websites with the exact same design, and once you log into their fake site, they have your real login and password within seconds. This principle also applies to online banking websites, so be extra careful!

9. Be cautious of any message, post, or link you find on a social network that looks at all suspicious or requires to login again once you’re already logged in.

10. Make sure your security suite is up to date and includes antivirus, anti-spyware, anti-spam, a firewall, and a website safety advisor.

BONUS TIP: Take the time to understand your privacy settings! Select the most secure options and check periodically for changes that can open up your profile to the public. Facebook is renowned for continually changing its layout and one such change could result in information that was once private, now being public!

Have you ever had in social media security issues? Or do you have any additional tips? Let us know?

Filed Under: Children, Kids Health, Parenting