Father’s Day can be a difficult day for a separated dad.
For some dads, it will be a day spent with the kids, maybe breakfast together, a few presents and a day doing something as a family.
But for other dads, it will be very different.
You won’t have your children with you. You might not even get to speak to them.
And that can hurt more than people realise.
You might wake up on Father’s Day and immediately feel that something is missing. You check your phone, hoping there might be a message from the kids. You tell yourself not to expect anything, but deep down you are hoping they remember.
If nothing comes through, it’s easy to start thinking about it.
- Have they forgotten me?
- Are they thinking about me?
- Do they still see me as their dad?
Then you go onto Facebook or Instagram and see everyone else’s Father’s Day photos. Dads with their kids, breakfast in bed, family lunches, presents and messages about how much their children love them.
You’re happy for them, but there’s also that feeling of, I wish that was me.
And that’s okay.
Missing your children doesn’t make you bitter. Feeling disappointed doesn’t make you a bad dad. Sometimes you can accept that separation is the reality of your life and still be incredibly sad that you aren’t spending Father’s Day with your kids.
You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt.
What matters is how you look after yourself when it does.
If you’re not seeing your children on Father’s Day, try not to spend the whole day sitting around waiting for your phone to ring. Get yourself out of the house and give yourself something to do.
Go for a walk, take the dog somewhere, get on the motorbike, go fishing, watch a movie, have lunch somewhere you enjoy or catch up with a mate. It doesn’t have to be anything special. Sometimes just getting out and doing something can stop your thoughts from going around in circles.
Be careful with alcohol too. Having a drink with a mate is one thing, but drinking alone because you’re hurting can make a difficult day feel even worse. And if you’re feeling emotional, maybe put the phone down rather than sending that message to your ex or your kids that you’ll wish you hadn’t sent tomorrow.
If you want to contact your children, keep it simple.
“Happy Father’s Day. Thinking of you and love you.”
You don’t need to ask why they haven’t called. You don’t need to make them feel guilty. You’ve told them you love them, and sometimes that’s enough.
And if they don’t contact you, try not to make that one day mean more than it should. Children can have complicated feelings about separation. They might not understand how much Father’s Day means to you, or they may simply be caught up in their own world.
You don’t always know what’s happening on their side.
Remember too that Father’s Day is only one day.
Your relationship with your children isn’t measured by whether they are sitting beside you on a particular Sunday. Being their dad is something you do all year.
- Keep showing up.
- Keep calling when you can.
- Keep asking about their lives.
- Keep telling them you love them.
If this Father’s Day is going to be a lonely one, look after yourself. Talk to someone who understands, especially another dad who has been through separation. Get outside, do something you enjoy and give yourself permission to admit that the day might be hard.
You don’t have to put on a brave face.
You can miss your kids and still have a good day.
And if all you manage to do is get through it, that’s okay too.
You’re still their dad and Father’s Day doesn’t change that.
Comment