There’s a stage after separation that nobody really talks about.
It’s the stage where the immediate crisis starts to settle down, but you suddenly realise you’ve been living in survival mode for months.
You’re going to work.
You’re looking after the kids when you have them.
You’re dealing with messages and conversations you’d rather not have.
You’re worrying about money.
You’re trying to work out where you’re going to live and what your life is going to look like.
And somehow you’re getting through it.
But getting through it isn’t the same as actually living.
I’ve spoken to dads who have been separated for six months, twelve months or even longer who tell me they still feel like they’re waiting for their old life to come back.
And I understand that.
When you’ve spent years building a life around your family, you don’t just flick a switch because the relationship has ended.
There’s a lot to process.
But eventually there comes a point where you have to start asking yourself a different question.
Not, “How do I get my old life back?”
But, “What can I build from here?”
That’s a very different question.
You don’t have to rebuild everything at once
I think sometimes we put far too much pressure on ourselves.
We imagine that rebuilding means getting fit, finding someone new, buying another house, getting financially sorted and suddenly becoming this completely different version of ourselves.
It doesn’t.
It might start with something as simple as getting back into a routine.
Going for a walk.
Getting some sleep.
Calling a mate you haven’t spoken to for months.
Cleaning up the house.
Working out what you’re actually spending.
Making your children’s room at your place feel like their room.
Those things might sound small.
They’re not.
They’re signs that you’re starting to take ownership of your life again.
Your children are watching you rebuild
One of the things I think about a lot is what our kids see when we’re going through separation.
They don’t need Dad to pretend everything is fantastic.
They don’t need Dad to have all the answers.
They need to see that when life gets difficult, you can eventually find your feet again.
That doesn’t mean hiding the fact that you’re having a hard time.
It means showing them that hard times don’t have to define you.
You can be upset and still get up the next morning.
You can be disappointed and still be a good dad.
You can have a bad day and still show up.
That’s a pretty important lesson for a child to see.
You still have a future
This is probably the hardest thing to believe when you’re right in the middle of separation.
It can feel like everything you’ve worked towards has disappeared.
But your relationship ending doesn’t mean your life has ended.
You are still a dad.
You are still a friend.
You are still a son, a brother, a mate, a colleague.
And you’re still you.
There may be parts of yourself you’ve lost along the way.
Maybe you’ve stopped exercising.
Maybe you’ve stopped seeing your mates.
Maybe you’ve stopped doing the things you used to enjoy.
Maybe you’ve become so focused on the separation that you’ve forgotten there’s a person underneath all of it.
You can find that person again.
And you don’t need to do it all this week.
Start small.
Get one part of your life moving in the right direction.
Then another.
Before you know it, you’re no longer just surviving.
You’re building something.
It might not look like the life you originally imagined.
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be a good life.
A final thought
If you’re in that stage where you’re thinking, “I don’t even know who I am anymore,” don’t beat yourself up.
You’ve been through something significant.
Give yourself a bit of time.
But don’t stay there forever.
At some point, you have to start looking forward.
Not because what happened doesn’t matter.
But because what happens next matters too.
Keep showing up.
— Pete
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